I Love You Right Up To The Moon

I received this book from a co-worker while I was still pregnant with Kara. I never read it to her in the womb. Never got to read it to her while she nursed or when I laid her down to sleep. I never read it, in fact, until yesterday.

I had a complete meltdown yesterday. One of the worst since losing Kara. After shooting up elephant-size doses of G.o.n.a.l-F, M.enopur, Estrogen and Progesterone, then finding out for the 4th time since losing my baby that my embryos are abnormal, and giving up on ever having a living genetic child of my own, I guess a meltown is to be expected. But I still wasn't prepared for it.

I was completely out of control. One of those sobbing, snot-running-down-my-face, crying-till-I'm-gagging, kind of meltdowns. ALL DAY.

I had to face the fact that ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE KARA BACK. Even another genetic child would not be her, and I would still be missing her until I die. I still want a family. I still feel like I can't live without having live children to raise. But I know that I'm still longing for Kara. I always will.

So I went through her memory box yesterday in the middle of my meltdown. I had to look through her photos, see her little footprint cast in plaster, look at her lock of hair, read the sympathy cards and touch her baby blanket. And I found the 'Guess How Much I Love You' book by Sam McBratney.

'Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Bug Nutbrown Hare was listening. "Guess how much I love you," he said. "Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can hop!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.
"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare - and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you right up to the moon," he said, and closed his eyes.
"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far." Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Good Night, Kara. I love you right up to the moon.