Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
First Birthday
Tomorrow is the twins' first birthday. It's amazing how far we've come. The last 3 years of my life have been the worst and the best ever. When I lost Kara, I wanted to die. Now that I have M & Q, I want to live long enough to see them grow into healthy, happy adults with wonderful lives of their own. I worry that one of them will die before me. I try to concentrate on their lives and the wonderful things we've shared together so far.
It's amazing we made it through the first year. The sleepless nights (when does that end, again?) the crying, the colic, the reflux, the all-nighters, the smiles, the giggles, the belly laughs, the crawling, the first steps, the babbling. It's all so wonderful. When my daughter, M, is being rocked to sleep, I just stare at her in wonderment. It's all so amazing. I'm so glad to be alive.
We celebrated their birthday yesterday, with everyone who matters. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, best friends, neighbors. It was amazing. And the cake....oh the cake. I think watching them eat cake was one of the happiest moments in my life - I'll remember it forever.
It's amazing we made it through the first year. The sleepless nights (when does that end, again?) the crying, the colic, the reflux, the all-nighters, the smiles, the giggles, the belly laughs, the crawling, the first steps, the babbling. It's all so wonderful. When my daughter, M, is being rocked to sleep, I just stare at her in wonderment. It's all so amazing. I'm so glad to be alive.
We celebrated their birthday yesterday, with everyone who matters. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, best friends, neighbors. It was amazing. And the cake....oh the cake. I think watching them eat cake was one of the happiest moments in my life - I'll remember it forever.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
3 years of loss
Yesterday was 3 years since we lost Kara. Today was 3 years since her birth. The pain is still fresh ~ I have days where I can sob as if it were yesterday. I grieve her as much today as I did 3 years ago when I learned of her death inside of me.
I grieve her loss to us, of course. I grieve losing every moment with her - every smile, giggle, cry, snuggle, and kiss. I grieve never having seen her open her eyes, never having her lay eyes upon us. But most of all, I grieve HER loss. The loss of HER life. SHE never got any of those things. She never had a smile, a giggle, a cry, a hug, a cuddle. She will never have kindergarten, high school, the prom or a wedding. She will never have a family of her own or any of those things that people take for granted every single day. This is what I grieve most of all. She was robbed of her life and the thought can make me rage inside.
I love you, baby girl. I miss you with every fiber of my being and I always will. I hope you know how much your mommy & daddy love and miss you, and how much we look forward to the day when we will be reunited again with you. You are my precious baby girl.
I grieve her loss to us, of course. I grieve losing every moment with her - every smile, giggle, cry, snuggle, and kiss. I grieve never having seen her open her eyes, never having her lay eyes upon us. But most of all, I grieve HER loss. The loss of HER life. SHE never got any of those things. She never had a smile, a giggle, a cry, a hug, a cuddle. She will never have kindergarten, high school, the prom or a wedding. She will never have a family of her own or any of those things that people take for granted every single day. This is what I grieve most of all. She was robbed of her life and the thought can make me rage inside.
I love you, baby girl. I miss you with every fiber of my being and I always will. I hope you know how much your mommy & daddy love and miss you, and how much we look forward to the day when we will be reunited again with you. You are my precious baby girl.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
10 months and sleep issues
I am committed to updating my blog regularly from now on. I really need your advice and support and I usually just can't find time to write.
My twins are 10 months now. Q-man is FINALLY sleeping through the night and only occasionally requires a feeding between 3-4am. He wakes up around 5:30am every morning like clockwork. He naps beautifully - put him in crib and close the door. Crying for 1 min or less (sometimes not at all) and he goes to sleep for 90min - 2.4 hrs twice daily. Nice, right? (We did the Ferber method of CIO with him months ago and it worked perfectly.)
Miss Muffit has always needed to be rocked before naps and at bedtime. Used to take a few minutes, but gradually has increased to 20-45min of rocking befofre bedtime at night. (naps are quicker - 10 min tops). She has always slept through the night and occasionally needed a night feeding - always slept in crib and was the easiest baby. Both used to go down at 7pm and woke at 5:30am. We never needed to do CIO with her because she went down so easily and slept 10 hrs straight.
One week ago, it all started going downhill. Miss Muffit decided she would not be put down into the crib. She would be asleep in my (or DH's) arms in rocking chair, and would instantly sit up and raise her arms when put in crib. (WTF???) I had to travel Mon - Thurs last week, and this all started last Saturday. DH was home alone with them and Muffin's sleep issues began. He could not put her down! After an hour of this, he brought her back downstairs and she fell asleep in his arms watching baseball. Several more attempts to put her down in crib ended badly, and he brought her to bed. She would cry for 5 minutes and vomit. This happened 3 nights in a row. He cleaned her up and brought her to his bed.
While I was away, I instructed the nanny to begin CIO with her during naps. we did progressive waiting with a 30 min max, so checking in after 1min, 3 min, 5 min, 5 min, 10 min, if still crying, she is brought back downstairs to try again a little later. After ONE MINUTE, she vomited all over herself and had to be bathed, changed and rocked again.
One week later and here's how it goes. She stays up until 8pm now, falls asleep in rocker and is put into crib. Wakes up at 10pm and is brought into our bed. She sleeps until 6:30-7am now.
Part of my thinks its okay. She has 4 teeth coming in and she is experiencing terrible separation anxiety. I can't walk away from her with the nanny without her screaming bloody murder.
I know "this too shall pass" but am I creating a monster? I hope I'm just indulging her in her time of need with the teething and sep. anxiety. I hope I'm not creating really bad sleep habits that will haunt me until she's 5. Any advice?
My twins are 10 months now. Q-man is FINALLY sleeping through the night and only occasionally requires a feeding between 3-4am. He wakes up around 5:30am every morning like clockwork. He naps beautifully - put him in crib and close the door. Crying for 1 min or less (sometimes not at all) and he goes to sleep for 90min - 2.4 hrs twice daily. Nice, right? (We did the Ferber method of CIO with him months ago and it worked perfectly.)
Miss Muffit has always needed to be rocked before naps and at bedtime. Used to take a few minutes, but gradually has increased to 20-45min of rocking befofre bedtime at night. (naps are quicker - 10 min tops). She has always slept through the night and occasionally needed a night feeding - always slept in crib and was the easiest baby. Both used to go down at 7pm and woke at 5:30am. We never needed to do CIO with her because she went down so easily and slept 10 hrs straight.
One week ago, it all started going downhill. Miss Muffit decided she would not be put down into the crib. She would be asleep in my (or DH's) arms in rocking chair, and would instantly sit up and raise her arms when put in crib. (WTF???) I had to travel Mon - Thurs last week, and this all started last Saturday. DH was home alone with them and Muffin's sleep issues began. He could not put her down! After an hour of this, he brought her back downstairs and she fell asleep in his arms watching baseball. Several more attempts to put her down in crib ended badly, and he brought her to bed. She would cry for 5 minutes and vomit. This happened 3 nights in a row. He cleaned her up and brought her to his bed.
While I was away, I instructed the nanny to begin CIO with her during naps. we did progressive waiting with a 30 min max, so checking in after 1min, 3 min, 5 min, 5 min, 10 min, if still crying, she is brought back downstairs to try again a little later. After ONE MINUTE, she vomited all over herself and had to be bathed, changed and rocked again.
One week later and here's how it goes. She stays up until 8pm now, falls asleep in rocker and is put into crib. Wakes up at 10pm and is brought into our bed. She sleeps until 6:30-7am now.
Part of my thinks its okay. She has 4 teeth coming in and she is experiencing terrible separation anxiety. I can't walk away from her with the nanny without her screaming bloody murder.
I know "this too shall pass" but am I creating a monster? I hope I'm just indulging her in her time of need with the teething and sep. anxiety. I hope I'm not creating really bad sleep habits that will haunt me until she's 5. Any advice?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all of my Babylost mama friends, and to those friends with live children at home. It's been a wonderful day here and unbelievably relaxed and pleasant.
I know I owe this blog an update and I am committed to updating more regularly, but it seems the time just gets away from me.
So on Thrusday, I received a Mother's Day card from my dad & stepmom. I was so touched, but then inside it said 'On Your First Mother's Day'. Well, I broke down and cried. This is my THIRD Mother's Day. It may not seem much to you if you haven't lost a child, but imagine...you lose a child and have no living children at home...you are still a mother, right? So now I have two living children at home and all of sudden it's my first Mother's Day. Yup. Made me a mess. I KNOW they haven't forgotten Kara...but have they forgotten that I'm still her mother? Well, the next day, they sent me flowers, WITH THE SAME MESSAGE! Happy First Mother's Day! Another tearful moment. The flowers were so thoughtful, but the message just bit me in the ass.
Let's face it, it wasn't a happy day when my only child was no with us, but I was still a mother. Burns my ass.
Twins are doing great! I am loving being a mom to living children. I cannot believe how much more I love them every single day. Q has taken his first steps without help, and M is standing and pulling herself up on everything. Eating is still a challenge for her - she prefers her bottle over any solids, but both a happy and healthy and great kids.
The weather has been lovely and we are walking as much as we can. Kids love being outside in the gorgeous weather; bare feet in the wind and hair blowing in the breeze. Love it.
This Mother's Day has been the best ever. I am blessed with three gorgeous children. Two here with me and one looking out for us in Heaven.
I miss her every second of every day, but that is a post for another day. I've been struggling with her loss (have I ever stopped?) and can't accept the magnitude of her loss. I will post about this soon as it's something ruminating in my mind over and over.
M & Q are getting big - below is a picture of them on Easter in their finest. My lovely babies.
I know I owe this blog an update and I am committed to updating more regularly, but it seems the time just gets away from me.
So on Thrusday, I received a Mother's Day card from my dad & stepmom. I was so touched, but then inside it said 'On Your First Mother's Day'. Well, I broke down and cried. This is my THIRD Mother's Day. It may not seem much to you if you haven't lost a child, but imagine...you lose a child and have no living children at home...you are still a mother, right? So now I have two living children at home and all of sudden it's my first Mother's Day. Yup. Made me a mess. I KNOW they haven't forgotten Kara...but have they forgotten that I'm still her mother? Well, the next day, they sent me flowers, WITH THE SAME MESSAGE! Happy First Mother's Day! Another tearful moment. The flowers were so thoughtful, but the message just bit me in the ass.
Let's face it, it wasn't a happy day when my only child was no with us, but I was still a mother. Burns my ass.
Twins are doing great! I am loving being a mom to living children. I cannot believe how much more I love them every single day. Q has taken his first steps without help, and M is standing and pulling herself up on everything. Eating is still a challenge for her - she prefers her bottle over any solids, but both a happy and healthy and great kids.
The weather has been lovely and we are walking as much as we can. Kids love being outside in the gorgeous weather; bare feet in the wind and hair blowing in the breeze. Love it.
This Mother's Day has been the best ever. I am blessed with three gorgeous children. Two here with me and one looking out for us in Heaven.
I miss her every second of every day, but that is a post for another day. I've been struggling with her loss (have I ever stopped?) and can't accept the magnitude of her loss. I will post about this soon as it's something ruminating in my mind over and over.
M & Q are getting big - below is a picture of them on Easter in their finest. My lovely babies.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
quick update
It's been a long time since my last post - things are very busy here! Q is crawling all over the place and he's just about unstoppable. He pulls himself almost all the way up now and has become a menace :-) M is crawling backwards and mostly content with whatever she is playing with. Both are sleeping 11 hours with Q waking up only once to eat. It's like heaven. I never thought we'd get to this point. They wake up at 5am to begin their day (now 6am with the time change) but we hope that moves a little later soon. Weekends are really hard on me when I'm taking 99% of the responsibility for 13 hours. I usually end up in tears at some point and I go to bed on the weekends when they do.
We've started swin lessens at the local YMCA - and it's so much fun! It really gives us something to do on Saturdays, and tuckers them out for their afternoon nap. My mom comes with me to help and it's been really fun.
Both are starting to tire of their Jumperoos....what is the next activity toy? We have toys scattered all over the living room for them, but I need something to contain them for a few minutes at a time. I guess one of those scooter things? Any ideas? The Jumperoos have been lifesavers for us and they have really enjoyed them for months. They both received walkers for Christmas, but they're both still a bit short to reach the floor in them.
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Here are photos of my favorite people on their way to swim class:
We've started swin lessens at the local YMCA - and it's so much fun! It really gives us something to do on Saturdays, and tuckers them out for their afternoon nap. My mom comes with me to help and it's been really fun.
Both are starting to tire of their Jumperoos....what is the next activity toy? We have toys scattered all over the living room for them, but I need something to contain them for a few minutes at a time. I guess one of those scooter things? Any ideas? The Jumperoos have been lifesavers for us and they have really enjoyed them for months. They both received walkers for Christmas, but they're both still a bit short to reach the floor in them.
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Here are photos of my favorite people on their way to swim class:
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Lack of Sleep
If I had to choose the best 'toy' we bought for them, it's definitely the Rainforest Jumperoos. They LOVE LOVE LOVE them. See smiling faces above... :-)
The twins are doing great - they're starting to finally enjoy their solids a little more and feeding has gotten a bit easier as a result. My son has learned to roll where he wants to go, so he's busy entertaining himself rolling from one side of the living room to the other to see different toys. My daughter is really working hard to crawl - getting up on knees and rocking a lot. Sleep still sucks - my daughter is a champ but my son is really not a good sleeper. I've started putting him down later (7pm as opposed to 5:30-6) and he STILL wakes up at 3:30 - 4am to start his day. WTF? When does this get better? It sucks starting your day at that time. Ugh. And that's after getting up once to eat at 11pm. I wish I could just bring him to bed with us and he'd go back to sleep but that's not happening either. He wants to be AWAKE. I'm hoping this changes in the next couple of months. I mean really, they won't do this when they're a year old, right? Right?
I have re-joined the gym and hope to get there 3x's per week until they're old enough for me to be comfortable leaving them in the babysitting room. Until they can crawl and get around really well, I'm just not comfortable putting them in the nursery with other kids while I work out. That leaves me working out either on the weekends when my husband can watch them, or during the week when the nanny is here and I am supposed to be working. I think I can manage 3 times right now. I've also started on a diet because twice in two days, someone made comments about me being pregnant. I only have 20 extra pounds on me, but they're all in my belly. Needless to say, I cried quite a bit in the past 3 days over this. I've gone back to eating egg whites and oatmeal every morning and only salads for lunch & dinner. No bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. No McDonald's. No yummy delicious lunches with clients in the city...I have to stick with salads with chicken or fish in order to start losing some of this belly. Ugh. I'm disgusted. And I wish I could do plastic surgery like EB, but DH is still looking for work and our finances are very stressed. AND - I want another baby. Yes, I want one more child, so I'll have to wait on that belly reduction surgery.
I have re-joined the gym and hope to get there 3x's per week until they're old enough for me to be comfortable leaving them in the babysitting room. Until they can crawl and get around really well, I'm just not comfortable putting them in the nursery with other kids while I work out. That leaves me working out either on the weekends when my husband can watch them, or during the week when the nanny is here and I am supposed to be working. I think I can manage 3 times right now. I've also started on a diet because twice in two days, someone made comments about me being pregnant. I only have 20 extra pounds on me, but they're all in my belly. Needless to say, I cried quite a bit in the past 3 days over this. I've gone back to eating egg whites and oatmeal every morning and only salads for lunch & dinner. No bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. No McDonald's. No yummy delicious lunches with clients in the city...I have to stick with salads with chicken or fish in order to start losing some of this belly. Ugh. I'm disgusted. And I wish I could do plastic surgery like EB, but DH is still looking for work and our finances are very stressed. AND - I want another baby. Yes, I want one more child, so I'll have to wait on that belly reduction surgery.
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