2 years Today

Today I should have been celebrating my daughter's 2nd birthday. Instead, we honored the 2-year anniversary of her death. I can't believe it's been 2 whole years.

On some level, I feel like it was yesterday. I'm very good at reliving the horror of her death, at will. When I lay down to sleep at night, I say a few prayers for her and find myself fighting off tears for all we've lost - her, me, my husband, everyone has lost. Two years out, I am feeling more in control of my emotions, but still bitter about the loss and dumbfounded as to why. There is no consolation - ever. When people say stupid shit, "It was God's will" "God has a plan" etc. and so on - I go ballistic. I can't graciously accept their best efforts at consolation - rather I challenge their stupid remarks and put an end to the discussion. The worst has to be when people tell me that God has made it up to me by giving me twins this time. MADE IT UP TO ME? Kara can never be replaced. A baby has his/her own personality, own soul - one can never replace that. I am living a life with a huge hole in it. I will always be the mother of a dead baby - one who was deeply loved, forever wanted and is sorely missed every minute of every day.

My mom came up today to visit the cemetary and brought a beautiful hand painted birdhouse for her grave. Kara's nursery theme was birds, so it's fitting that a birdhouse now adorns her grave. While here, my mom washed all of the baby clothes, blankets, sheets, etc. and organized the dressers and closet. It was a huge help, because A) I am pretty incapacitated at this point and unable to do this myself and B) going through Kara's clothes is a heartbreaking task and I couldn't face it alone. So thanks to my mom for being such a huge help today, and by being a wonderful grandmother and thinking of her grandchild on this (and every) day.

My mom told me about a 'friend' of hers - my mom is in her 60's and lives in a retirement community. Hence, many of her acquaintances are much older than she. Gertrude is in her 80's and although they've become friends, she's getting on my mother's last nerve. It began a few months ago when my mom told her I was finally pregnant - and it was twins. Gertrude had some snide remarks about a 41 year old pursuing IVF, and a 41-year old carrying twins. The other day, she was in my mother's house and asked about the baby in the photo - 'who is that?' My mother said - "It's Kara, my granddaughter." G replied "The one who died?" Mom replied "yes." G grunted 'Hmpf. that's ridiculous." My mom told her to keep her opinions to herself. I told my mom I never want to meet this bitch - because I'll have a lot to say. Fuck her - who the fuck are you to criticize a grandmother for having a beautiful photo of her deceased grandchild in her own home??!! People never cease to amaze me. 80 years old or not - i want to punch her in the face.

Babylost mamas have to put up with so much. We have to learn how to put our lives back together after losing our baby, live through the hell which is unbearable grief, try to find the will to live again, possibly try for another baby, and learn to live our lives with a gaping hole that will be ther forever, deal with people after the loss, and learn to be gracious and forgiving of people who cannot and will not ever understand our pain and loss. It's not an easy path to tread. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.