So here I am, at 25-1/2 weeks. I'm so grateful to be pregnant, and to be having twins. My life was pretty much over when I lost Kara. I really never thought I'd get pregnant again and I thought I'd have to suffer through years of adoption trials without ever getting a baby in my arms. Honestly, I could not live like that. We all make our decisions when we suffer with IF. Some women would never use donor egg, others would never use donor sperm. Still others would never go the donor embryo route, and some could not consider adoption. For me, it was only a question of which route to choose in which order. I wanted a family by any means. And I'm so grateful to be here, just 10-1/2 weeks from my scheduled due-date.
But that doesn't mean I'm 'home free'. As baby-loss parents, we are reluctant to speak of names and to think too far into the future. We don't talk about 'when they're here' but rather 'if they are born alive.' It's not macabre, it's just reality. With Kara, we had the nursery completely ready for her, weeks before her arrival. We were so ready for her. Everything was ready. We even made plans for the entire summer, anticipating her at weddings and family functions. I can't even begin to express the darkness we endured that summer when she died. I remember walking past the nursery and just falling apart, over and over again. The sweet crib with her bird bedding, the precious clothes we had laid out to bring her home in. The new stroller & car seat that would never be used. It was heartbreaking. One day, we had to pack everything away and change that room into a spare bedroom again, because I thought I was going to lose my mind. We painted and DH put the crib and furniture away, out of sight. Stroller and car seat went out of sight. Everything, was out of sight. We spent the rest of the summer in seclusion, with the blinds drawn and the phone turned off, crying and holding each other as we intermittently broke down with the reality of our empty lives. I remember finally seeing my psychiatrist out of desperation, and after waiting 2 hours in the waiting room, practically losing my fucking mind in his office. When I went out to the car, DH witnessed what I believe, was a total nervous breakdown. I have never felt so out of control. I thought that acute grief would never end and I would never be happy again.
But here I am, almost 2 years later, 10-1/2 weeks from giving birth to twins by DE. I have ordered the bassinetts and that's it. I have one crib, and a matching crib is coming from my girlfriend within the next couple of weeks. I have all of Kara's things packed away, and have ordered a bedding set for the baby boy. I cannot do more than this. In fact, the only thing we'll set up before we go to the hospital, are the bassinetts. I wouldn't even do that, except I'm having a c-section and my DH is not mechanically inclined - I'll need those set up for my arrival home. My brother can set up the cribs after the babies arrive alive.
I am going out on leave 5 weeks early, because it's getting too difficult for me to go see my customers. I can't sit at my desk for 8 hours a day and go home - my job involves a high amout of customer contact. Problem is, I want to spend those 5 weeks nesting, and I can't. I am terrified that I'll have the nursery all set up, and have to endure looking at another empty nursery in the event we don't bring home two live babies. What am I do to with myself for 5 weeks?
I am terrified to nest, yet the compulsive planner in me wants me to. I want to break out all of my baby-stuff and take inventory. I know that realistically, I need to do this. Even if I don't set everything up, I should have it all organized in storage and ready to be set out when I arrive home. I won't be able to go out 'shopping' for necessities once they are here - heck, I could barely get around the house the first few days after coming home last time.
Any thoughts/suggestions for me?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
24 Down, 12 to go
We had our 24 week ultrasound today - I can't get enough of seeing those little muffins! I breathe a deep sigh of relief every time I hear their heartbeats - it's so reassuring. My doctors are great - they are really showering me with the attention a babyloss-mama needs. U/S and doctor visits every 2 weeks until 28 weeks, then it's an U/S and an NST twice weekly - how wonderful is that? I feel like I'm in good hands. Not that my old OB wasn't a great doctor - she was and I really liked her. But after losing a baby right before birth, with NO explanation at all, left me feeling like I needed a high-risk practice.
I met with a Maternal-Fetal Specialist at St. Peter's Hospital here in NJ as soon as I was pregnant, for a consultation on the stillbirth and on recommended care for this new pregnancy. I have to say, the Maternal-Fetal Medicine Department there is excellent. But still, after a 2-hour consult and numerous tests, they still have no idea what happened. Hence, the recommendation by the MF-Specialist to be monitored to closely and to have a planned c-section at 36-weeks.
And I'm thankful for the 36-week deadline. I am so big right now, it's a little frightening. I asked the Doctor this morning if I was getting too big, or if I was crowding them out by eating so much and gaining too much weight. She said I only gained 36 lbs so far (she's not counting the extra 10lbs I put on during IVF) so I'm good. That was a relief and yet, I still feel like a whale. She also remarked that the babies are in the 50th percentile and are looking great! woo hoo! Baby Girl weighs 1lb 8oz and Baby Boy weighs 1lb 11oz. It's a good feeling to know that I'm feeding them well and that they'll be a healthy weight at the time of birth. Oh, and my cervix looks good (that gets measured every 2 weeks as well) and there is currently no fear of pre-term birth - phew!
More good news - the doctor is putting me out on leave when I hit 30 weeks (june 1st). I agonized over this decision for several weeks, but after talking with friends and family, I've decided it's the best thing for me and for the babies right now. I'm in sales, and although I work from home, I need to be in front of my customers and their contractors, a good portion of my time. Therefore, sitting home on the computer isn't really an option more than 2 days per week. It's tough driving around the New York metro area all day long - sitting in traffic, riding on horrible roads and trying to find bathrooms when you need them. That, and I crap out at 2pm and have to run home for a nap. Not very productive. 5 more weeks until I can sit home and finish gestating - yay for me!
Of course, an extra 6 weeks of leave means that I'm on short-term disability and I forgo another 6 weeks of commissions - but my babies are too important. We'll just have to tighten our belts and work within a budget. When you decide what's really important, there's really no decision to be made at all.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
22 Down, 14 To Go
Today, I'm 22 weeks pregnant. Last week I felt gentle tapping from inside...this week I'm feeling stronger, more insistent kicking and movement. It's exciting and reassuring to feel my babies moving inside of me. Yesterday, I could actually feel them with my hands on my belly. It's an amazing feeling, I had forgotten how that felt.
I have been going through this pregnancy without expectations and without thinking too far ahead. I take each day one at a time, and am thankful for the time I have with them. Last time, I had the nursery completely done up in pink and green with happy little birds as Kara's nursery theme. Clothes and bedding were bought, the shower was planned and practically every thought I/we had was for when she arrived. We had weddings & family gatherings to bring her to. We imagined strolling her in her stroller on the beach walk in front of our house. We joked about how she would be; we're both stubborn and were difficult babies. When we didn't get to bring her home, the nursery was a room of broken dreams for us. I would enter the room, shortly after returning from the hospital and break down in giant heaving sobs. I surely wanted to die. I could not imagine a pain greater than that of losing a child. The first year after her death, is pretty much a blur to me. I remember much sadness and despair, emotional pain so sever it bordered on the physical.
This time, we are more practical. We don't talk about 'when' they come home. We don't look at nursery bedding or themes, we don't even talk about names, really. We've had the discussion that the boy will be named after one of our fathers, but that's where it's ended. No girl names and no planning ahead. The only thing I have done, is look at double strollers. Even then, nothing was purchased or planned. There will be no baby shower, no christening plans, nothing. We have Kara's crib and my best friend is giving me her other crib, but DH won't assemble them until I've given birth. I don't blame him. It was brutal having to take everything down when she died.
This time, I take each day as it comes. I am extremely grateful for the kicks and flutters, grateful for the discomfort of pregnancy (because let's be honest, pregnancy is no walk in the park.) I am grateful for every day they are alive, and that I am carrying them.
In the last 2 weeks, several babylost mamas have given birth to their rainbow babies. When I saw pictures of Aliza's baby boy, I actually thought for the first time, that this could be real for me too. What a wonderful feeling - to see some glimmer of hope on the horizon. I will keep this hope alive and with me at all times. I won't get my hopes up too high, but I will use that flicker to propel me forward and keep me in good spirits.
So it's 22 weeks down and 14 to go. I'm pretty excited to get to the end....I can't wait to meet my new babies.
I have been going through this pregnancy without expectations and without thinking too far ahead. I take each day one at a time, and am thankful for the time I have with them. Last time, I had the nursery completely done up in pink and green with happy little birds as Kara's nursery theme. Clothes and bedding were bought, the shower was planned and practically every thought I/we had was for when she arrived. We had weddings & family gatherings to bring her to. We imagined strolling her in her stroller on the beach walk in front of our house. We joked about how she would be; we're both stubborn and were difficult babies. When we didn't get to bring her home, the nursery was a room of broken dreams for us. I would enter the room, shortly after returning from the hospital and break down in giant heaving sobs. I surely wanted to die. I could not imagine a pain greater than that of losing a child. The first year after her death, is pretty much a blur to me. I remember much sadness and despair, emotional pain so sever it bordered on the physical.
This time, we are more practical. We don't talk about 'when' they come home. We don't look at nursery bedding or themes, we don't even talk about names, really. We've had the discussion that the boy will be named after one of our fathers, but that's where it's ended. No girl names and no planning ahead. The only thing I have done, is look at double strollers. Even then, nothing was purchased or planned. There will be no baby shower, no christening plans, nothing. We have Kara's crib and my best friend is giving me her other crib, but DH won't assemble them until I've given birth. I don't blame him. It was brutal having to take everything down when she died.
This time, I take each day as it comes. I am extremely grateful for the kicks and flutters, grateful for the discomfort of pregnancy (because let's be honest, pregnancy is no walk in the park.) I am grateful for every day they are alive, and that I am carrying them.
In the last 2 weeks, several babylost mamas have given birth to their rainbow babies. When I saw pictures of Aliza's baby boy, I actually thought for the first time, that this could be real for me too. What a wonderful feeling - to see some glimmer of hope on the horizon. I will keep this hope alive and with me at all times. I won't get my hopes up too high, but I will use that flicker to propel me forward and keep me in good spirits.
So it's 22 weeks down and 14 to go. I'm pretty excited to get to the end....I can't wait to meet my new babies.
Friday, March 19, 2010
20 weeks and counting
I am 20 weeks this Sunday and feeling pretty good. My belly is quite big already, which is scary, but I guess since there are two in there, it's to be expected. I remember the second trimester with Kara as one of eating...everything in sight. I was hungry all the time and ate like a horse. This time, I have to eat slowly and carefully. I fill up very quickly and don't get hungry again for 6-7 hours at a stretch. Oh, and heartburn. ugh. My stomach is already so scrunched up into my sternum that if I eat something greasy, with peppers or onions or with tomato sauce, I will not digest it FOR HOURS!!! It's awful. On top of the eating issues (which seem to consume my afternoons with heartburn and a sour stomach) I am out of breath easily. I hate to complain, since I've wished and prayed for this pregnancy for so long now, but I have to admit that pregnancy is not fun. It's scary...terrifying, really. I heard a story about a friend of a friend the other day who stretched so much with twins that he stomach muscles tore up the middle during he last few weeks (eeek!). So I'm scaring myself a little. I obsess with online photos of bellies at the same week in their pregnancy as me...and I am HUGE. It's all belly, but it's frightening, to say the least. I worry that my body won't be able to accomodate the babies and then what? I have to cool down and stop worrying about my body's possible inability to handle this pregnancy. I mean, I'm not a petite woman. I am generally 140lbs and 5'6", strong and athletic. When I got pregnant I was 154 and now I'm 175. Right on track, weight-wise, according to the doctor and the book I'm reading about multiple pregnancy. I need to work on this.
Every other Monday, we get ultrasounds. It is so wonderful to have doctors that see the need to treat high-risk pregnancies different than normal pregnancies. Although I have to say, no pregnancy is really normal, is it? I mean, babies die every day and simple things (like a blood clotting test on the mother) could be done as soon as the pregnancy is discovered and a live baby would be born. Even with all of this extra monitoring, I am a wreck inside about this pregnancy. My new Maternal-Fetal Specialist has reviewed Kara's case in detail and can find NOTHING indicating the cause of death. This makes me terrified. I cannot lose another child.
We were at the cemetery a few days after we received the news of twins on this cycle. Ironically, the first thing we discussed was how we bought a family plot of 3 spaces at the cemetary when Kara was laid to rest, but now the two spaces on either side of us is taken. What heppens if these babies die? What if we didn't get enough spaces? This is the shit that goes on inside a dead-baby mama's (and papa's) head when you lose a child. It's awful. I am trying to believe that these two little ones will make it alive and well, but giving birth to a live child is just outside of my experience. So it seems unreal to me.
I'm still having a hard time dealing with Kara's death. I'm sure that pregnancy hormones play a part in this. I feel guilty that the twins have such good doctors and that I didn't find this practice while pregnant with Kara. I feel overwhelmed every time I think about living this life without her... it's too much for my brain. I miss her so much, that it physically hurts. She would have been 21 months this month. I try to picture her at that age and I'm at a loss. I can only see her as the beautiful infant she was whe she died. It's all so unfair and fucking wrong. For over a year after Kara's death, I was desperate to get pregnant again. I thought it would help 'fix' me. 'Fix' this situation. It hasn't fixed me. I am so thankful to be pregnant again and to be given the opportunity to add to my family. I look forward to possibly having two live children in my home. I look forward to raising them and enjoying every moment, those moment I'll never have with Kara. BUT - at the same time, I feel terrible that Kara never got any of those moments. I will feel broken and sad about Kara when I'm 65, 75, 85...until I'm dead. Nothing can ever 'fix' the loss of a child. Your world is entirely turned upside down and you look through a different lens than the rest of the world. But that's a post for another day.
Every other Monday, we get ultrasounds. It is so wonderful to have doctors that see the need to treat high-risk pregnancies different than normal pregnancies. Although I have to say, no pregnancy is really normal, is it? I mean, babies die every day and simple things (like a blood clotting test on the mother) could be done as soon as the pregnancy is discovered and a live baby would be born. Even with all of this extra monitoring, I am a wreck inside about this pregnancy. My new Maternal-Fetal Specialist has reviewed Kara's case in detail and can find NOTHING indicating the cause of death. This makes me terrified. I cannot lose another child.
We were at the cemetery a few days after we received the news of twins on this cycle. Ironically, the first thing we discussed was how we bought a family plot of 3 spaces at the cemetary when Kara was laid to rest, but now the two spaces on either side of us is taken. What heppens if these babies die? What if we didn't get enough spaces? This is the shit that goes on inside a dead-baby mama's (and papa's) head when you lose a child. It's awful. I am trying to believe that these two little ones will make it alive and well, but giving birth to a live child is just outside of my experience. So it seems unreal to me.
I'm still having a hard time dealing with Kara's death. I'm sure that pregnancy hormones play a part in this. I feel guilty that the twins have such good doctors and that I didn't find this practice while pregnant with Kara. I feel overwhelmed every time I think about living this life without her... it's too much for my brain. I miss her so much, that it physically hurts. She would have been 21 months this month. I try to picture her at that age and I'm at a loss. I can only see her as the beautiful infant she was whe she died. It's all so unfair and fucking wrong. For over a year after Kara's death, I was desperate to get pregnant again. I thought it would help 'fix' me. 'Fix' this situation. It hasn't fixed me. I am so thankful to be pregnant again and to be given the opportunity to add to my family. I look forward to possibly having two live children in my home. I look forward to raising them and enjoying every moment, those moment I'll never have with Kara. BUT - at the same time, I feel terrible that Kara never got any of those moments. I will feel broken and sad about Kara when I'm 65, 75, 85...until I'm dead. Nothing can ever 'fix' the loss of a child. Your world is entirely turned upside down and you look through a different lens than the rest of the world. But that's a post for another day.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Dreaded Question
All around us, regular 'fertile' people have sex, reproduce and have healthy, live babies every single day. It is taken for granted that everyone not only has a few kids by my age, but that they were hardly difficult to come by. Have sex = get pregnant. Get pregnant = have children.
In my world, things are very different. I didn't marry the man of my dreams until I was 36. We started TTC shortly thereafter, only to learn that we needed to see a reproductive endocrinologist. After several false starts and changing doctors mid-way, we were veterans of Infertility. IUI's, IVF's, PGD testing, lining checks, etc. and so on. Only the infertile couple knows the difficulty (mentally, physcially, financially) of trying to conceive. It is a heartbreaking process that does not always have a happy outcome. More often than not, Infertiles break the bank and their hearts trying round after round of IUI's, IVF, genetic testing, some even resorting to Donor Sperm or Egg. Our desperation grows with every failed cycle. It's like the power of the ring in Lord of the Rings. My story doesn't end with IVF. We conceived on our 3rd try in 9/07, only to lose our baby to 'unknown causes' just 12 days before her due date. Our lives came crashing down after all that hard work. After years of IF, we lost our precious daughter just 12 days before she's due. I don't know if it gets any worse, but I try not to test my luck.
I am 16 weeks pregnant with DE now. I am thrilled to be carrying boy/girl twins, and so thankful that I have the opportunity to build my family. I've started to show and recently, people have been asking if I'm pregnant. Then follows...'Is this your first?'
No matter where I am, that question invariably follows the first. People are so happy when they see you're expecting, and being the person I am, I can't deny my first born. I think it's happened 5 times this week alone. It's getting tiring. Most times I'm in front of customers, and they don't know my history. I can pretty much pull it off without tears. My answer "no, our first died 20 months ago 12 days before her due date. These will be our second and third together, but the first to come home with us." Yesterday after a long week, I came home early and exhausted, to find my cleaning crew just finishing up the house. I took off my jacket and my cleaning lady's husband said with a big smile "Are you pregnant?" I said "yes" and his wife popped out from the kitchen with smiles and congratulations. She asked "Your first?" I answered "No, our first died a few days before her due date almost 2 years ago. That is her, in that picture." (pointing to her picture among other family photos on a table in the entry way.) Her husband gently walked over to it and bent down to get a look at my beautiful daughter. It was so touching that I cried for an hour after he left. Most people make their apologies and change the subject....this gentle man made the effort to look at my dead child's photo and it touched me. He nodded and smiled and said he was sorry for my loss. It's so wonderful to have my child acknowledged. I am so touched by his gesture.
It happened again this morning. My husband had a photographer come to the house and photograph the bay & lighthouse from our balcony for my birthday last summer. I emailed her to praise her work and let her know she'll be photographing the twins when they arrive. Again, the question, in email this time, and the response. I cannot deny my firstborn. It wouldn't make my pain go away, and it wouldn't 'undo' what is true.
Intellectually, I am aware that hormones are playing havoc with my emotions. But it's so hard to keep from getting emotional about my loss as these two new babies are growing in my belly. I am terrified that I will lose them like I lost Kara. I am angry that I didn't have this OB with my last pregnancy, maybe I would have brought Kara home instead of burying her. I am terrbily sad that Kara is to be my only genetic offspring, and I will never get to know her. DH and I feel like we know how she would have been...but that's only a temporary balm to the ever-present pain. Knowing that we'll never see her as a toddler, child, teen, etc. and knowing we missed out on her life, is sometimes too much to bear.
In my world, things are very different. I didn't marry the man of my dreams until I was 36. We started TTC shortly thereafter, only to learn that we needed to see a reproductive endocrinologist. After several false starts and changing doctors mid-way, we were veterans of Infertility. IUI's, IVF's, PGD testing, lining checks, etc. and so on. Only the infertile couple knows the difficulty (mentally, physcially, financially) of trying to conceive. It is a heartbreaking process that does not always have a happy outcome. More often than not, Infertiles break the bank and their hearts trying round after round of IUI's, IVF, genetic testing, some even resorting to Donor Sperm or Egg. Our desperation grows with every failed cycle. It's like the power of the ring in Lord of the Rings. My story doesn't end with IVF. We conceived on our 3rd try in 9/07, only to lose our baby to 'unknown causes' just 12 days before her due date. Our lives came crashing down after all that hard work. After years of IF, we lost our precious daughter just 12 days before she's due. I don't know if it gets any worse, but I try not to test my luck.
I am 16 weeks pregnant with DE now. I am thrilled to be carrying boy/girl twins, and so thankful that I have the opportunity to build my family. I've started to show and recently, people have been asking if I'm pregnant. Then follows...'Is this your first?'
No matter where I am, that question invariably follows the first. People are so happy when they see you're expecting, and being the person I am, I can't deny my first born. I think it's happened 5 times this week alone. It's getting tiring. Most times I'm in front of customers, and they don't know my history. I can pretty much pull it off without tears. My answer "no, our first died 20 months ago 12 days before her due date. These will be our second and third together, but the first to come home with us." Yesterday after a long week, I came home early and exhausted, to find my cleaning crew just finishing up the house. I took off my jacket and my cleaning lady's husband said with a big smile "Are you pregnant?" I said "yes" and his wife popped out from the kitchen with smiles and congratulations. She asked "Your first?" I answered "No, our first died a few days before her due date almost 2 years ago. That is her, in that picture." (pointing to her picture among other family photos on a table in the entry way.) Her husband gently walked over to it and bent down to get a look at my beautiful daughter. It was so touching that I cried for an hour after he left. Most people make their apologies and change the subject....this gentle man made the effort to look at my dead child's photo and it touched me. He nodded and smiled and said he was sorry for my loss. It's so wonderful to have my child acknowledged. I am so touched by his gesture.
It happened again this morning. My husband had a photographer come to the house and photograph the bay & lighthouse from our balcony for my birthday last summer. I emailed her to praise her work and let her know she'll be photographing the twins when they arrive. Again, the question, in email this time, and the response. I cannot deny my firstborn. It wouldn't make my pain go away, and it wouldn't 'undo' what is true.
Intellectually, I am aware that hormones are playing havoc with my emotions. But it's so hard to keep from getting emotional about my loss as these two new babies are growing in my belly. I am terrified that I will lose them like I lost Kara. I am angry that I didn't have this OB with my last pregnancy, maybe I would have brought Kara home instead of burying her. I am terrbily sad that Kara is to be my only genetic offspring, and I will never get to know her. DH and I feel like we know how she would have been...but that's only a temporary balm to the ever-present pain. Knowing that we'll never see her as a toddler, child, teen, etc. and knowing we missed out on her life, is sometimes too much to bear.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
12 week update
As of today, I'm 12 weeks 4 days pregnant with twins. The 'morning' sickness is gone (YAY) and my appetite has returned in full force. I'm still exhausted in the afternoons, but I can still sneak in naps whenever I need to.
Today, DH and I went for my Nuchal Ultrasound. Both babies are measuring perfectly and heartbeats were both strong. Babies are healthy and no worries about Downs. It was a very good day.
Seeing their little bodies on the screen was just amazing. I have two little people in there! I saw all 4 chambers of their hearts beating - incredible.
Twin A is the girl, Twin B is the boy. Note the hand to the mouth of the girl as she sucks her thumb. Twin B was busy kicking and twisting, he's going to be an active little boy!
I'm feeling a bit more positive about this pregnancy. It was amazing to see those two little people on screen and know that they're alive and well. I know I will never feel 'safe' until they are in my arms, alive, but that's what happens when you've carried a healthy baby to term and she dies in your womb. You never actually think the baby will arrive alive, and every time you go for a check up, the fear of not hearing/seeing the heartbeat is dreadful.
I'm happy today. My babies are alive and well. Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Pregnant Ramblings
It's been a few weeks since my last post. The morning sickness has kicked in full-force and lasts all day. Thank goodness I work from home and can 'hide' from bosses and customers most days. Seriously, I am feeling miserable. Happy to be pregnant, but feeling like shit pretty much all the time. The nausea lasts most of the day and into the evening, but has let up some since my PIO shots stopped last Friday - phew. Now I'm only ill from 2pm - 7pm instead of 'upon waking until going to bed.'
I would like to update all of my IF and babylost mama friends on my pregnancy, but I find this blog difficult to write about my updates in. I feel guilty that I'm using Kara's space to talk about my new pregnancy. I feel guilty if I appear too happy in my pregnant state, as my dear firstborn is dead. I know she doesn't want me to be sad all the time, but I log onto this blog and see her beautiful picture, and my good mood turns to tears and sadness. I know it's part of being full of hormones right now, but it's still a difficult thing to manage: grief and a new pregnancy.
As of today, I'm 10weeks, 2 days post 5dt. I'm really looking forward to the 2nd trimester - this nausea is killing me. I don't actually vomit, I am just nauseous all day and wish I could drink an alka-seltzer. My boobs feel like softballs, hard and large. My belly is fat and soft, not yet showing any baby(ies) but definitely pushing everything out to make room for the twins in that uterus of mine. I read online that with a singleton, your uterus at 10 weeks is the size of a cantaloupe. How about with twins? I can't fit into any of my normal clothes, so I'm up one size at this point and probably will be up another size by next week. I can't wait for maternity clothes! The 2nd trimester is the best. Your energy and appetite is back, you have a cute, hard baby belly and look great in maternity clothes, and everything is peachy. 1st trimester sucks. Sickness, fatness, clothes don't fit (regular or maternity) and exhaustion. 3rd trimester is no picnic either, but it still beats the 1st, for sure. And at least you know the end is near.
I feel like I've DONE all of this already. I made it to 37.5 weeks and my baby died. I don't know how I'm going to get through this pregnancy, but so far I'm doing well by not stressing out. I think I'm not getting too excited, either. We have agreed NOT to do anything with the spare room until they arrive alive. DH will put the cribs together while I'm in recovery. No preparations will be taken until they are here, screaming in my arms. He'll probably even run out to buy a second car seat while I'm in the hopsital. Friends and family have been instructed NO GIFTS. NOTHING. If the baby boy has to wear pink for a while, then he does. I am not having a beautiful nursery all set up, with soft laundered baby clothes neatly in drawers, and adorable happy birds on the sheets and blankets, with bassinet all set up, just to come home again without a baby and have to heartbreakingly put it all away. I have been pretty good about not being too invested in this pregnancy. I KNOW I'm pregnant, but I still can't picture myself with a live baby at the end (let alone 2.) That just doesn't seem possible to me. DH on the other hand, is starting to get emotionally invested. Every day he asks how everyone is. Every night he says 'goodnight everybody.' Every few days he talks about how it will be when we have twins here. It's sweet. But I am not there yet. I am terrified of losing another child.
DH says to enjoy the moment, enjoy the pregnancy, because sometimes that's all we have. He's right, of course. When pregnant with Kara, I was pretty miserable the first and third trimesters. After she died, I felt so guilty and shitty for complaining during my pregnancy. Let's face it folks, pregnancy sucks. It is no fun. It is hard work and exhausting. But, I will try to enjoy it the best I can, because this may be all I ever get.
I would like to update all of my IF and babylost mama friends on my pregnancy, but I find this blog difficult to write about my updates in. I feel guilty that I'm using Kara's space to talk about my new pregnancy. I feel guilty if I appear too happy in my pregnant state, as my dear firstborn is dead. I know she doesn't want me to be sad all the time, but I log onto this blog and see her beautiful picture, and my good mood turns to tears and sadness. I know it's part of being full of hormones right now, but it's still a difficult thing to manage: grief and a new pregnancy.
As of today, I'm 10weeks, 2 days post 5dt. I'm really looking forward to the 2nd trimester - this nausea is killing me. I don't actually vomit, I am just nauseous all day and wish I could drink an alka-seltzer. My boobs feel like softballs, hard and large. My belly is fat and soft, not yet showing any baby(ies) but definitely pushing everything out to make room for the twins in that uterus of mine. I read online that with a singleton, your uterus at 10 weeks is the size of a cantaloupe. How about with twins? I can't fit into any of my normal clothes, so I'm up one size at this point and probably will be up another size by next week. I can't wait for maternity clothes! The 2nd trimester is the best. Your energy and appetite is back, you have a cute, hard baby belly and look great in maternity clothes, and everything is peachy. 1st trimester sucks. Sickness, fatness, clothes don't fit (regular or maternity) and exhaustion. 3rd trimester is no picnic either, but it still beats the 1st, for sure. And at least you know the end is near.
I feel like I've DONE all of this already. I made it to 37.5 weeks and my baby died. I don't know how I'm going to get through this pregnancy, but so far I'm doing well by not stressing out. I think I'm not getting too excited, either. We have agreed NOT to do anything with the spare room until they arrive alive. DH will put the cribs together while I'm in recovery. No preparations will be taken until they are here, screaming in my arms. He'll probably even run out to buy a second car seat while I'm in the hopsital. Friends and family have been instructed NO GIFTS. NOTHING. If the baby boy has to wear pink for a while, then he does. I am not having a beautiful nursery all set up, with soft laundered baby clothes neatly in drawers, and adorable happy birds on the sheets and blankets, with bassinet all set up, just to come home again without a baby and have to heartbreakingly put it all away. I have been pretty good about not being too invested in this pregnancy. I KNOW I'm pregnant, but I still can't picture myself with a live baby at the end (let alone 2.) That just doesn't seem possible to me. DH on the other hand, is starting to get emotionally invested. Every day he asks how everyone is. Every night he says 'goodnight everybody.' Every few days he talks about how it will be when we have twins here. It's sweet. But I am not there yet. I am terrified of losing another child.
DH says to enjoy the moment, enjoy the pregnancy, because sometimes that's all we have. He's right, of course. When pregnant with Kara, I was pretty miserable the first and third trimesters. After she died, I felt so guilty and shitty for complaining during my pregnancy. Let's face it folks, pregnancy sucks. It is no fun. It is hard work and exhausting. But, I will try to enjoy it the best I can, because this may be all I ever get.
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