Monday, the twins will be 12 weeks. In my mind, 12 weeks was some magical milestone...they would sleep through the night, be on the same feed/sleep schedule, be in their cribs, and generally be easier to be alone with. I really thought I wouldn't need as much help as I did when they were younger.
But I do. I need the help. I have a nanny during the work week, but otherwise we're on our own. No one is helping me except one girlfriend who doesn't have kids of her own yet. We used to be best friends...for 15 years, in fact. We moved across country together and then moved back East 10 yrs later together. We lost contact 5 yrs ago when she wouldn't enter rehab for her alcoholism and we recently reconnected and long story short - she is here every Sunday to help. She is an angel. But you'd think my own mother would help out. Every Saturday I call to ask for her help and she has some bullshit plans...one time it was 'Yard-saling with Aunt L, another time it was some other stupid shit. My mom is retired. You'd think she would find it in her heart to come and help out and NOT make trouble for me & my husband. About 6 weeks ago I wrote a post on how she was coming here to "Help" and actually made things worse. A normal person would just come and help her daughter with twins. My mom has decided to fuck me and not help at all. I'm so frustrated and angry with her and I feel so abandoned. I can't afford the nanny on weekends or evenings and I'm just overloaded.
One of my girlfriends came up yesterday, G, who has 3 kids of her own, all under 8. She is very busy with all of their extra-curricular activities and can't really help. But, she did offer some advice that I think may help save my sanity. It may be time to put them in their cribs a few times a day and let them cry a little bit so I can get something done, or even have a few moments to myself. When DH wakes up today (he's on the night shift) we are putting the second crib together in another room, and they are going into their cribs. I know I'll be crying when they cry, but I really think my sanity ultimately depends on them being able to get naps during the day.
Any advice? I am so confused and insecure about my parenting abilities. I think I need some advice from other moms. help.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
9 Weeks Tomorrow
Wow - this is really, insanely hard. And I have help during the week, and a husband who lets me sleep 8 hours at night - and this is horribly difficult.
I'm not enjoying it, mostly. I have moments where I do enjoy it - mainly when I have someone else here to help hold one while I focus on the other. I melt inside when I get those smiles and when they interact with me. But I had no idea how hard this would be.
When I'm alone with them, I keep the X.a.n.ax on hand because I mentally breakdown and I'm unable to hold it together.
If I had only one, I could feed, play, and rock/hold/swing/sway, etc. that one to sleep. Having two ALONE is ridiculously hard. You get one down and the other is screaming and wakes the first one up. It goes on and on like that all day long. I am on pins & needles until I have help.
And they're still in the living room, sleep on the couch (supervised) on the floor (supervised) in their bouncy chairs or swings, because they won't go in their cribs. I'm hoping maybe at 12 or 16 weeks that will happen. Right now, it's just impossible.
Anyway - we're hanging in there, but I feel like a shit because I'm struggling and not really enjoying myself most of the time. I only enjoy it when there is help, which there is NONE of on the weekends.
I'm not enjoying it, mostly. I have moments where I do enjoy it - mainly when I have someone else here to help hold one while I focus on the other. I melt inside when I get those smiles and when they interact with me. But I had no idea how hard this would be.
When I'm alone with them, I keep the X.a.n.ax on hand because I mentally breakdown and I'm unable to hold it together.
If I had only one, I could feed, play, and rock/hold/swing/sway, etc. that one to sleep. Having two ALONE is ridiculously hard. You get one down and the other is screaming and wakes the first one up. It goes on and on like that all day long. I am on pins & needles until I have help.
And they're still in the living room, sleep on the couch (supervised) on the floor (supervised) in their bouncy chairs or swings, because they won't go in their cribs. I'm hoping maybe at 12 or 16 weeks that will happen. Right now, it's just impossible.
Anyway - we're hanging in there, but I feel like a shit because I'm struggling and not really enjoying myself most of the time. I only enjoy it when there is help, which there is NONE of on the weekends.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Almost 7 Weeks, and surviving
Monday will be 7 weeks and we are hanging in there. Things are hard, I won't lie. But since I've given up on any pretense of sanity, things have become manageable.
I had expectations of perfectly well-behaved babies, who would go to bed at a certain time, play a certain way and otherwise not fuss. Obviously, I was deranged. My daughter is the picture-perfect baby, or she was up until 6 weeks. She has found her voice and has decided to become Ms. Fusspot. She doesn't cry, except when she wakes up hungry, and it's a cute mewling-sort of cry. But when she's awake, she's awake for HOURS!!! And she fusses. And she wakes up her brother! My son is the difficult baby. He wakes screaming for his bottle, is difficult to burp, and is only awake-and-not-screaming for about 30 - 60 minutes TOTAL each 24-hour period. He is tough.
There is no schedule. There is no bedtime, there is no naptime. They run the house and we tip toe around them when they're napping, for fear they'll wake. We tip toe around him especially because he's so difficult. When they fall asleep on us, we are afraid to move and put them down, because we've been holding them for HOURS and we're afraid they'll wake up again. Horrible, I know. But when they're awake, they're not much fun after the first 30 minutes or so.
I'm hoping this gets better in a few weeks :-)
My husband has been a champ - he makes me go to bed between 8-9pm and tells me NOT to get up until 5 or 6am. Can you believe it? I generally can't sleep that long - so I go from 8-4 or 9-5, but still - I'M GETTING 8 HOURS OF SLEEP PER NIGHT! I DO LOVE THIS MAN.
At their 6-week Pediatrician appointment this week they weighed 11lb2oz and 10lb14oz - go babies!
I married the best guy ever and have three of the cutest babies I've ever seen. I miss Kara every single moment of every single day, and I am thankful and grateful that these two are alive and well with us. When I get frustrated with their screaming (really, his) I remember that I am blessed to have them alive. When my husband holds them sleeping in his arms, he tells me "This is the true meaning of life. "
I had expectations of perfectly well-behaved babies, who would go to bed at a certain time, play a certain way and otherwise not fuss. Obviously, I was deranged. My daughter is the picture-perfect baby, or she was up until 6 weeks. She has found her voice and has decided to become Ms. Fusspot. She doesn't cry, except when she wakes up hungry, and it's a cute mewling-sort of cry. But when she's awake, she's awake for HOURS!!! And she fusses. And she wakes up her brother! My son is the difficult baby. He wakes screaming for his bottle, is difficult to burp, and is only awake-and-not-screaming for about 30 - 60 minutes TOTAL each 24-hour period. He is tough.
There is no schedule. There is no bedtime, there is no naptime. They run the house and we tip toe around them when they're napping, for fear they'll wake. We tip toe around him especially because he's so difficult. When they fall asleep on us, we are afraid to move and put them down, because we've been holding them for HOURS and we're afraid they'll wake up again. Horrible, I know. But when they're awake, they're not much fun after the first 30 minutes or so.
I'm hoping this gets better in a few weeks :-)
My husband has been a champ - he makes me go to bed between 8-9pm and tells me NOT to get up until 5 or 6am. Can you believe it? I generally can't sleep that long - so I go from 8-4 or 9-5, but still - I'M GETTING 8 HOURS OF SLEEP PER NIGHT! I DO LOVE THIS MAN.
At their 6-week Pediatrician appointment this week they weighed 11lb2oz and 10lb14oz - go babies!
I married the best guy ever and have three of the cutest babies I've ever seen. I miss Kara every single moment of every single day, and I am thankful and grateful that these two are alive and well with us. When I get frustrated with their screaming (really, his) I remember that I am blessed to have them alive. When my husband holds them sleeping in his arms, he tells me "This is the true meaning of life. "
Thursday, August 26, 2010
New Twin Mommy Needs Support
A very dear blogger friend needs your support right now. She is the new mom to 2-week old twins and she is in need of support from other twin mommies (or even singleton mommies!) Please visit EB and give her your support.
I also want to THANK YOU ALL for your awesome support in my time of need. I was literally out of my mind for the first 5 weeks and now I feel somewhat sane. I feel less alone and I've realized from all of you, that NO - this doesn't last forever! I'm looking forward to 12 weeks, but trying to enjoy every moment with my newborns, because after all, they'll only be this little once!
Thank you Thank you Thank you. I love all of you guys and sincerely appreciate all of the advice and support.
I also want to THANK YOU ALL for your awesome support in my time of need. I was literally out of my mind for the first 5 weeks and now I feel somewhat sane. I feel less alone and I've realized from all of you, that NO - this doesn't last forever! I'm looking forward to 12 weeks, but trying to enjoy every moment with my newborns, because after all, they'll only be this little once!
Thank you Thank you Thank you. I love all of you guys and sincerely appreciate all of the advice and support.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
6 Weeks and Chaos
Tomorrow will be 6 weeks. We are living in chaos, and as a Type A person who LOVES order and rigidity, I am falling apart.
Twins are sleeping in the living room, wherever they can get comfortable. Be it the couch, their swings or on our shoulders, in our laps. Seriously? Anything for some peace.
DH and I are still taking shifts. Admittedly, he is taking 75% of the burden here - I am a wreck. Today I fell apart once again in a sobbing mess while trying to take a much-needed nap. I am stressing about doing everything wrong with the babies. Every book I read and every twin mommy I speak to, says I need to have them on a schedule already. They are 6 weeks old, 2 weeks adjusted. Come on. Seriously? A schedule? I can't even feed them at the same time to give my life a little bit or order, because now we have new problems. My son has such horrific gas that he takes 2 hours to eat 4 ounces. How the fuck do you deal with that? My daughter will eat, burp, get changed, play and go back to sleep all in that time. In the meantime, my son is screaming and writing in pain, batting the bottle away while rooting a moment later because he's hungry, but his tummy hurts. He used to be a champion burper/farter. Now, it takes forever to get his gas up (expect when he sleep feeds during the night -thankfully.) There is not much time during the 24 hour day that someone is NOT holding a baby. I love them to death. But this is very trying.
The chaos is eating me up inside. I feel like a failure because my life is out of control. After waking up from a short nap sobbing this afternoon, my husband talked me into a xanax and going back on my anti-depressants. I agreed. As much as I've tried to resist, I cannot handle this without anti-d's. Another failure, another weakness. He wants me to get as much sleep as I can during this time so that I can be at 100% again. Once I'm at 100%, he says I'll be able to handle this and he will be able to look for work. More pressure. I constantly worry about when he'll get to sleep and I wake up in a panic thinking it's time for him to rest. He assures me he doesn't need the amount of sleep that I do. I feel guilty.
I go back to work in 4 weeks. I will work from home though for the first 2 weeks, so I will actually start getting back on the road with clients when they're 12 weeks old. more pressure.
I'm also unsure of my nanny. She is unable to handle them both throughout the day, and routinely interrupts me while trying to get even a 1-hour nap during the day, if they're both crying at the same time. On one hand, I want that. I hate when my babies cry and I am eager to jump to the rescue. However, babies cry. And she will be full time in September when I go back to work. What will she do then? How will she be able to handle them when I'm not here? I'm freaking out. Do I need a new nanny? Do I need to screen and interview all over again? shit. DH thinks she can handle it and that I need to set limits with her. I just don't know. I think I need to let her figure it out. But it's very hard to do when they're my babies. The guilt eats me up.
I'm reading too many baby books and reading too many twin mommy boards. Everyone says to do this and do that, etc and so on. But at 6 weeks, I'm finding it's pretty much impossible to do these things. I have to try to live through each day the best I can. Feed, change, bathe, play, soothe. As long as I can do these things for them, that's what I need to focus on. Both babies are growing very well (over 10lbs each now) and that's the main point. I need to stay focused on that because evrything else is overwhelming me.
I look like shit. My hair needs to be colored, I'm fat and I look & feel 100 years old. I have no time to get to the hairdresser - if I have a free hour & a half, I want to sleep and do laundry. I can't eat a decent meal because there's no freakin tim where one of us isn't holding a baby. And even when I do manage to cook - who wants to clean up afterwards? I need a facial. I need highlights. I need to relax. I need sleep. I need I need. But I need to take care of these precious little people I've been entrusted with. I've been blessed and I need to keep this in perspective.
I have to accept my limitations - and this is nearly impossible for me.
DH's stepchildren are still here and help him with the babies until 1 or 2am, thankfully. I will avail myself of this luxury and go to bed now and sleep until I feel like it. Even if I wake up in a panic at 2am.
Twins are sleeping in the living room, wherever they can get comfortable. Be it the couch, their swings or on our shoulders, in our laps. Seriously? Anything for some peace.
DH and I are still taking shifts. Admittedly, he is taking 75% of the burden here - I am a wreck. Today I fell apart once again in a sobbing mess while trying to take a much-needed nap. I am stressing about doing everything wrong with the babies. Every book I read and every twin mommy I speak to, says I need to have them on a schedule already. They are 6 weeks old, 2 weeks adjusted. Come on. Seriously? A schedule? I can't even feed them at the same time to give my life a little bit or order, because now we have new problems. My son has such horrific gas that he takes 2 hours to eat 4 ounces. How the fuck do you deal with that? My daughter will eat, burp, get changed, play and go back to sleep all in that time. In the meantime, my son is screaming and writing in pain, batting the bottle away while rooting a moment later because he's hungry, but his tummy hurts. He used to be a champion burper/farter. Now, it takes forever to get his gas up (expect when he sleep feeds during the night -thankfully.) There is not much time during the 24 hour day that someone is NOT holding a baby. I love them to death. But this is very trying.
The chaos is eating me up inside. I feel like a failure because my life is out of control. After waking up from a short nap sobbing this afternoon, my husband talked me into a xanax and going back on my anti-depressants. I agreed. As much as I've tried to resist, I cannot handle this without anti-d's. Another failure, another weakness. He wants me to get as much sleep as I can during this time so that I can be at 100% again. Once I'm at 100%, he says I'll be able to handle this and he will be able to look for work. More pressure. I constantly worry about when he'll get to sleep and I wake up in a panic thinking it's time for him to rest. He assures me he doesn't need the amount of sleep that I do. I feel guilty.
I go back to work in 4 weeks. I will work from home though for the first 2 weeks, so I will actually start getting back on the road with clients when they're 12 weeks old. more pressure.
I'm also unsure of my nanny. She is unable to handle them both throughout the day, and routinely interrupts me while trying to get even a 1-hour nap during the day, if they're both crying at the same time. On one hand, I want that. I hate when my babies cry and I am eager to jump to the rescue. However, babies cry. And she will be full time in September when I go back to work. What will she do then? How will she be able to handle them when I'm not here? I'm freaking out. Do I need a new nanny? Do I need to screen and interview all over again? shit. DH thinks she can handle it and that I need to set limits with her. I just don't know. I think I need to let her figure it out. But it's very hard to do when they're my babies. The guilt eats me up.
I'm reading too many baby books and reading too many twin mommy boards. Everyone says to do this and do that, etc and so on. But at 6 weeks, I'm finding it's pretty much impossible to do these things. I have to try to live through each day the best I can. Feed, change, bathe, play, soothe. As long as I can do these things for them, that's what I need to focus on. Both babies are growing very well (over 10lbs each now) and that's the main point. I need to stay focused on that because evrything else is overwhelming me.
I look like shit. My hair needs to be colored, I'm fat and I look & feel 100 years old. I have no time to get to the hairdresser - if I have a free hour & a half, I want to sleep and do laundry. I can't eat a decent meal because there's no freakin tim where one of us isn't holding a baby. And even when I do manage to cook - who wants to clean up afterwards? I need a facial. I need highlights. I need to relax. I need sleep. I need I need. But I need to take care of these precious little people I've been entrusted with. I've been blessed and I need to keep this in perspective.
I have to accept my limitations - and this is nearly impossible for me.
DH's stepchildren are still here and help him with the babies until 1 or 2am, thankfully. I will avail myself of this luxury and go to bed now and sleep until I feel like it. Even if I wake up in a panic at 2am.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Quick update
A quick post - they're both sleeping right now (an uncommon occurrence) and I'm thinking a quick update is in order. Warning - very boring post and rant.
I've been feeling like a shit mother these days. I have enlisted so much help, that I feel like I'm unable to handle them alone. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own? So many mothers of twins do. But I can't.
My mom comes on Mondays. My in-laws come on Wednesdays. I hired a nanny for Tuesdays & Thursdays (until I go back to work full time, then she's here full time) and my husband takes the night shift and still helps me out during the day!!! What am I doing wrong?
Every twin mom tells me to put them on the same feeding schedule and to feed them at the same time. We've tried this, and with my daughter's reflux, she ends up vomiting (not spit up) half of her bottle after her feeding. This is with continual burping every 1/2 ounce or so. And my son is a little piggy. He sucks down that bottle like it's a beer bong and you only have to sit him up to burp him - he's pretty easy that way. But he gets formula ALL OVER himself as if he likes to wallow in it while eating. Makes for a messy baby and lots of changes of clothes.
So - the tandem feeding also won't work because both babies need to be soothed ALOT after feeding, in order to go back to sleep. Sometimes I can leave my daughter in her swing for a bit while she looks around and is quiet. But him - no way. He is a little monster (meant in the best way, of course.) He has colic, so he will scream and fuss until he falls asleep in your arms. Last night, he actually screamed himself hoarse. Diaper? check. Food? check. Warm/cold? check. Binky? check. Swaddled? check. (sometimes unswaddle?? check.) I'm telling you - nothing works.
So this morning, I woke up at 3:45am and relieved my husband, and at 5:20 they both woke up screaming to be fed. I tandem fed, burped them each repeatedly and he would not settle down. His pathetic little squeaks (since he's now hoarse) just break my heart. And the more he cries, the more stirred up his sister gets, so out came the double stroller and we went for a walk. Here I sit now, updating my blog as they snooze in their carseats.
I feel like I'm failing my babies. I can't keep them both pacified. I feel like I'm overwhelmed when I'm alone with them, and unable to give each the one-on-one attention they both need and deserve. If they're up together, it's a race to feed, burp, soothe and get them back to sleep before they meltdown. If they're up separately, I prefer it because I get to spend the quality time with each that they need/deserve, and I don't have to rush either of them back to their respective swings. They can hang out and chill with me on the couch, just talking or playing quietly. Unfortunately, this gives me about 15-20 minutes after they fall asleep, until the other twin wakes up looking for the same routine. In those 15-20 minutes, I have to pee, eat, drink, pump, wash bottles, throw dirty burp cloths in laundry, etc. and so on. It's exhausting.
SO that's my rant. I am a shitty mom. I can't handle both at the same time without someone pitching a fit. Maybe I have to get used to that? I love them both dearly and would rather have this much trouble on my hands than a dead baby - no doubt Kara was no trouble at all and I have to live with that the rest of my life. But perhaps I will get better at this? I am just overwhelmed. AND I HAVE HELP!!!
Pedi update: both had their 1 month check up on Monday. She weighs 9lb6oz and he weighs 9lb3oz - each gained 2 lbs in 2 weeks and he gre 1.5 inches. yay babies!
Time to have a cup of coffee before the little darlings wake up. xxoo
I've been feeling like a shit mother these days. I have enlisted so much help, that I feel like I'm unable to handle them alone. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own? So many mothers of twins do. But I can't.
My mom comes on Mondays. My in-laws come on Wednesdays. I hired a nanny for Tuesdays & Thursdays (until I go back to work full time, then she's here full time) and my husband takes the night shift and still helps me out during the day!!! What am I doing wrong?
Every twin mom tells me to put them on the same feeding schedule and to feed them at the same time. We've tried this, and with my daughter's reflux, she ends up vomiting (not spit up) half of her bottle after her feeding. This is with continual burping every 1/2 ounce or so. And my son is a little piggy. He sucks down that bottle like it's a beer bong and you only have to sit him up to burp him - he's pretty easy that way. But he gets formula ALL OVER himself as if he likes to wallow in it while eating. Makes for a messy baby and lots of changes of clothes.
So - the tandem feeding also won't work because both babies need to be soothed ALOT after feeding, in order to go back to sleep. Sometimes I can leave my daughter in her swing for a bit while she looks around and is quiet. But him - no way. He is a little monster (meant in the best way, of course.) He has colic, so he will scream and fuss until he falls asleep in your arms. Last night, he actually screamed himself hoarse. Diaper? check. Food? check. Warm/cold? check. Binky? check. Swaddled? check. (sometimes unswaddle?? check.) I'm telling you - nothing works.
So this morning, I woke up at 3:45am and relieved my husband, and at 5:20 they both woke up screaming to be fed. I tandem fed, burped them each repeatedly and he would not settle down. His pathetic little squeaks (since he's now hoarse) just break my heart. And the more he cries, the more stirred up his sister gets, so out came the double stroller and we went for a walk. Here I sit now, updating my blog as they snooze in their carseats.
I feel like I'm failing my babies. I can't keep them both pacified. I feel like I'm overwhelmed when I'm alone with them, and unable to give each the one-on-one attention they both need and deserve. If they're up together, it's a race to feed, burp, soothe and get them back to sleep before they meltdown. If they're up separately, I prefer it because I get to spend the quality time with each that they need/deserve, and I don't have to rush either of them back to their respective swings. They can hang out and chill with me on the couch, just talking or playing quietly. Unfortunately, this gives me about 15-20 minutes after they fall asleep, until the other twin wakes up looking for the same routine. In those 15-20 minutes, I have to pee, eat, drink, pump, wash bottles, throw dirty burp cloths in laundry, etc. and so on. It's exhausting.
SO that's my rant. I am a shitty mom. I can't handle both at the same time without someone pitching a fit. Maybe I have to get used to that? I love them both dearly and would rather have this much trouble on my hands than a dead baby - no doubt Kara was no trouble at all and I have to live with that the rest of my life. But perhaps I will get better at this? I am just overwhelmed. AND I HAVE HELP!!!
Pedi update: both had their 1 month check up on Monday. She weighs 9lb6oz and he weighs 9lb3oz - each gained 2 lbs in 2 weeks and he gre 1.5 inches. yay babies!
Time to have a cup of coffee before the little darlings wake up. xxoo
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Photos, finally!
Finally- photos of the twins. These were taken when they were 2 weeks old - the photographer came to our home and the babies were amazing - no fussing, no crying. Ah, if only it could always be that way! They are so small here - I swear they've grown even since then! Tomorrow they will be 4 weeks old - I am glad that they will soon be sleeping in longer stretches, but sad that their 'tiny-ness' will soon be gone. I love how they fold their legs up under them when I hold them, and how they fit into the crook of your shoulder for snuggles. They are precious and I can't imagine life without them.
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