Physcially, today was a bit better for me. I did some gardening and light housekeeping and found that my upper-mid back was not sore by the end of the day. I even got a nice little nap this afternoon. (considering I'm up every night between 3am-5am, it's much apprecaited.) I'm still going to physical therapy for my back, but today was a decent day, physcial wise.
On another note, I've been so sad lately about Kara. I miss her so very much. Everyday, I'm asked the dreaded question "Is this your first?" and I always answer the same "No, we lost our first a few days before her due date, almost 2 years ago now." The answer is always an "Oh" accompanied by the person looking down or looking away - completely speechless. i don't answer this way to make the person uncomfortable. Rather, I answer this way because I will not deny her existence to make someone comfortable. She is my firstborn and my angel, and I miss her every single minute of every single day. I really wish my answer could be "No, this will be my second and third, my first is almost two years old." That would be wonderful, really.
As we approach her 2nd birthday, it's unbelievable to me that I've survived these past 2 years. When we lost Kara, I really thought I would die. I couldn't imagine being 2 years out from her death. To be honest, not much has changed. I am more emotionally stable, but I still cry over her often, and think of the 'what if's' constantly. I still cry when I hear certain songs on the radio or when one of my babylost mama's has their rainbow baby - thinking of the baby who was lost and all the pain and struggle that babylost mama has endured. I cry everytime I go to her grave and I cry frequently while saying my prayers in the evening. Today I cried when I found the perfect colored geraniums to plant at her gravesite. I cry quite a bit for her, and I'm sure I'll continue to do so until the day I die.
I am so grateful to be pregnant again - please don't think I'm not. This is a gift that I thought I would never have after Kara. In fact, the only way I would ever get pregnant again was with DE. Kara was my only genetic child - the ONE genetically-perfect embryo out of 7 IVF cycles with my own eggs. There is something about looking into the face of your miniature replica that I cannot explain.
I'm sure this won't get easier for me in the short term. As I bring out her crib linens and all of the clothes she never used, in preparation for the little girl who will be hopefully arriving alive and healthy in 7 weeks, I cannot help but feel sad for the baby girl who never got to use these things. She never got to open her eyes or take a breath outside the womb. I can only pray that she knew she was loved beyond belief the entire time she was inside of me. I pray that she is safe in the arms of God in Heaven, and that she knows how much she is loved and missed by her mom and dad. And I pray that these two little ones will be born alive and healthy, and will be given the chance to live in this world outside the womb.
9 comments:
You are amazing. ((HUGS))
Such a mixed bag of emotions, isn't it? Know that I think of you and these beautiful babies often.
"There is something about looking into the face of your miniature replica that I cannot explain."
This. This I know.
xo
Good to hear from you. I think about you every day. And i'm thinking about birthdays of two two year olds a lot these days, too.
xxoo
I agree with meinside out .... you are amazing
E
Oh, honey, I'm sure Kara knows. She knows who her mom is and how much you love her. She knows how sad your heart is about her loss and that you think of her every day. And of course your lifelong grief is perfectly natural...thinking about all the "what ifs" as you prepare for your new bundles of joy and think about how old Kara would be. I also think that by talking about Kara, you honor her memory and she will always be remembered.
I can relate to the "Oh" and the uncomfortableness. But our children are blessings and deserve to be remembered, even if others are uncomfy. I try to tell people, when they apologize, that it's okay... That everything was worth the time we had with them, because I dont want them to think of my children in sadness. But it hurts...
New pregnancies dont replace the ones we lost; you hit the nail on the head with "bittersweet".
We often hear, "Are they your firsts?" and it breaks my heart that I cant say "No, we have almost-3 year old twins and an 18 month old at home"; instead, it's "No, they have older siblings who passed away".
Sending hugs, and many warm thoughts...
missing our almost two year olds with you. and sending love to you and your three beautiful babies.
xox
I saw your comment on meinsideout's blog and wanted to say hi! We're due about the same time here, shortly. I'm 34 weeks with g/g twins.
I'm so sorry about your loss, what an incredibly difficult journey you've been on. I hope the next few months, (years, decades) are filled with happiness with your twins.
And... on a lighter note, I can't believe you have no stretch marks! I'm so jealous! :)
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