Wow - everyone tried to tell me how hard this was going to be, but I really had no idea. I thought that because I lost Kara, that no amount of sleep deprivation or fussy babies would faze me. I was wrong. I am incredibly thankful and so very blessed to have these two - I would not trade them for anything! I look at them and just melt - I cry when I hold them sometimes, just thinking about how much I love them and how much I miss Kara at the same time. But wow - the sleep deprivation after the last few months of pregnancy and after having a c-section? amazing.
I feel like a bad mother. Breastfeeding issues are for another post, but today, let's talk sleep deprivation. I've been crying several times per day because I'm just so exhausted and sore and weak from surgery, that I feel like a failure as a mother. My husband has been wonderful. As I mentioned in earlier posts, he graduated business school in May and he hasn't gone back to work yet because he was taking care of me in the final weeks of pregnancy and preparing for the arrival of the twins. He knew what it would entail and he wanted to be here for me to help out until I'm strong enough to handle it on my own. I could not ask for a better husband or a better father to my children. He takes the night shift and I get 6-7 hours of sleep per night. I'm up at 5am and I take over until about 12 or 1pm when he takes over again. I usually try to nap, but more often I end up doing laundry, eating (for the first time all day) and showering. Some days I get a nap, but most times I am just too worn out to sleep. So he naps for a few hours in the afternoon and in the evening, I try to be in bed by 10 or 11 so I can start the early shift again. I know I am so lucky that he takes the night shift, but seriously - how do you ladies do it whose husbands don't help out? I am in awe of you. I feel like such a failure. Even with all of this help, I am a mess and I generally cry several times per day. I lose my patience with the fussiness of my babies and I find myself at my wits end when they don't settle down after 2 hours. I can handle it when one wakes first; feeding, changing, soothing, rocking, etc. When the second one wakes up and the first one is still fussing, that's when it gets overwhelming. It happened this morning at 6am, then again this morning at 11am. I was going out of my mind. It's nearly impossible for one person to feed and burp two babies at once - and I can't let them cry - I just can't. Anyway, I need to figure something else out...I think I let them get too stimulated after they feed. They are usually swaddled up tight for sleeping, and I let them stretch a little after feeding, and that's the beginning of the end. Their hands come up and touch their faces and it all begins. They get annoyed at the hands touching them and yet don't want their hands restrained in swaddling. And I feel bad swaddling them because they need to stretch and there the mutiny begins.
And try to pump every 3 hours during all of this...I'm not even breastfeeding yet - this is frickin impossible. I'm pumping 7x's per day to get my milk to come in more fully, and I can barely find time to eat, shower and pump in between feedings.
I've asked my mom to come up a few nights per week to help out. I fear that DH will not be able to run on 5 hours of sleep per day much longer. He used to travel overseas so much for work that he's used to literally working around the clock for several weeks at a time. Literally, the man is a champion at surviving on no sleep. But I feel guilty that I'm getting some sleep at night and he's pushing through trying to give me as much rest as possible. Makes me feel like shit. Like a bad wife and a bad mother.
This is really hard. Really hard. Thank God I don't go back to work for 9 more weeks. HOpefully in that time, we'll have things somewhat under control.
Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.
And I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful. I am SO grateful for my babies. This is what I wanted, truly it is. I just didn't realize how awful I would be under the pressure of sleep deprivation. In fact, my mom stayed over the other night and I got 7 wonderful hours of sleep - I felt like a new person. Then I realized- I hadn't slept 7 hours in a row since I was 20 weeks pregnant.
22 comments:
It is so hard and I had the exact same struggles with one easy baby. You've got a huge load of grief to deal with as well.
If you can afford it, would a baby nurse be an option to just help you out with feed, change and settle times?
Other than that, all I can say is that it will get bearable, and you can do it. You are a fantastic mom, I can just tell!
One more thing? Is the hands going to the mouth them looking for something to suck on, and getting frustrated when they can't control their limbs? Not sure how you feel about pacifiers, but it could be worth a try. I love the Natursutten ones.
Hi, and congratulations on your beautiful babies. I've been following you for about a year, and I'm so glad they're here and you're all well.
If you want to be able to breastfeed, it's going to be really important to nurse as often as possible. It's the best way to get your milk supply established, and then if you want to pump you can, but it's generally not recommended until milk supply has been established (usually around 6 weeks). I didn't have twins, but I remember how hard it was adjusting to one, and wondering the same thing you mentioned about how people without involved spouses did it. The babies are much more efficient at removing milk than even the best pump, so they get the supply going, and it really does get easier. The first 6 or 8 weeks were tough, but then something clicked and it was much smoother. Also (and I know this isn't what I would have wanted to hear, so I hesitate to say it), if you're sleeping 5-6 hours consecutively, you may want to consider getting up and either nursing or pumping midway through that period. It really makes a difference, since milk production is demand-based.
Congratulations again, and all the best wishes for you all. :)
Paula
I have no advice to give, but I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful mother and wife and are doing the best you can at the moment. They're brand new, you need to adjust, you have hormones raging and grief and joy simultaneously. Of course it's overwhelming, especially with 2. Your husband is amazing. That's what spouses do for each other. You do the same for him. Hoping that it gets easier really soon. Don't beat yourself up. It's all going to work out. Sending you much love and support. Kathy
Thank you for this post. So much of this I wanted to say myself in those very early days, but I too was afraid of sounding like I was ungrateful, which was far from the truth.
It IS hard. A different kind of hard. And certainly not as hard as coming home empty handed. But it is hard. With the feeding, as someone else said, just keep putting the babies to the breast. You'll be so exhausted you wont know which way is up, but it is true what they say, it does get easier. With two though. WOW! It is going to take some super determination and hard work.
I'm here for you if you want to email, if you can find the time.
xo
It is soooo hard - please do not beat yourself up. My DH is awesome too - and he took the first two weeks off to help me and then I begged my mom to come down for two weeks - I was not on my own until they were almost four weeks.
I should have prefaced my comment with this - GET THEM ON THE SAME SCHEDULE. If one wakes up, wake the other one up to feed - that is the only way you will get any sleep and maintain any sanity. Seriously. I did that from minute one and I think it has helped us immensely.
The tandem feeding is the trick - what has worked for us is two bouncy seats - I sit in the middle of the couch and put one on each side facing me - we have to remove our couch cushion so the seat sits safely on the couch. I tried to do the tandem breast feeding - but I was so scared I would drop them in the middle of the night because I WAS SO TIRED. I nursed exclusively for the first four days or so but then I pumped exclusively...and pumped...and pumped. pumped every time that they ate - sometimes 10-12 times per day...and never let myself go more than 3 hours without pumping...that gradually tapered off and now I "only" pump 6 times per day, I am trying to get down to 5. I get 7 hours straight a night without pumping as well. I just cannot let myself off of the hook and give them formula...
Yes - the sleep deprivation is mind boggling - truly. I had a vaginal delivery - so I had a second degree tear, hemorrhoids, an anal fissure and incontinence to deal with after delivery...the physical agony is grueling on top of all of the hormones.
I guess I will give a bullet point of what worked for me - also if you need to talk, email me at lapmp1648@gmail.com and I will give you my phone number.
1. Put babies on same schedule - they eat and sleep at the same time.
2. I let them nap anywhere they were during the day - bouncy seat, swing, etc.
3. I only let them sleep in their cribs at night (night=crib=sleep) - I wanted them to get those associations. I let them sleep together in a crib at night until they were 3 months.
4. My little man was colicky - and the only thing that soothed him was a modified version of the 5 s's - dr. harvey karp's book - you can also google it and look on youtube. The my little lamb swing by fisher price was the key as well - the side to side swinging was what helped him - he has swung for hours...
5. My babies did not really care for pacifiers - and the only ones they took were the soothies.
6. When my dh went into the hospital when they were about 8 weeks old, I hired a night nanny - a nursing student who was about to graduate and who worked in the NICU - to work from 10 pm to 6 am - I did get up to pump but I had all my stuff next to my bed and a cooler to put the milk in - I did not have to get out of bed.
7. Keep food handy - even if it is cookies, candy, etc. - just so you can grab and stuff!
8. Did I mention making them stay on a schedule together - the first one to wake determines when they eat. This approach is approved by my pediatrician and in every book that I have read about twins.
9. Get a tandem feeding routine that works for you - also, I pump while I feed them on the couch - it is ridiculous but it saves time - I get them in their seats, they scream, I get the pump hooked up and am able to get bottles in their mouths and pump while they eat.
Finally - I cannot imagine the level of emotions that you must be feeling about the babes and Kara - I can just offer you hugs and support.
You are doing an awesome job.
It is soooo hard - please do not beat yourself up. My DH is awesome too - and he took the first two weeks off to help me and then I begged my mom to come down for two weeks - I was not on my own until they were almost four weeks.
I should have prefaced my comment with this - GET THEM ON THE SAME SCHEDULE. If one wakes up, wake the other one up to feed - that is the only way you will get any sleep and maintain any sanity. Seriously. I did that from minute one and I think it has helped us immensely.
The tandem feeding is the trick - what has worked for us is two bouncy seats - I sit in the middle of the couch and put one on each side facing me - we have to remove our couch cushion so the seat sits safely on the couch. I tried to do the tandem breast feeding - but I was so scared I would drop them in the middle of the night because I WAS SO TIRED. I nursed exclusively for the first four days or so but then I pumped exclusively...and pumped...and pumped. pumped every time that they ate - sometimes 10-12 times per day...and never let myself go more than 3 hours without pumping...that gradually tapered off and now I "only" pump 6 times per day, I am trying to get down to 5. I get 7 hours straight a night without pumping as well. I just cannot let myself off of the hook and give them formula...
Yes - the sleep deprivation is mind boggling - truly. I had a vaginal delivery - so I had a second degree tear, hemorrhoids, an anal fissure and incontinence to deal with after delivery...the physical agony is grueling on top of all of the hormones.
I guess I will give a bullet point of what worked for me - also if you need to talk, email me at lapmp1648@gmail.com and I will give you my phone number.
1. Put babies on same schedule - they eat and sleep at the same time.
2. I let them nap anywhere they were during the day - bouncy seat, swing, etc.
3. I only let them sleep in their cribs at night (night=crib=sleep) - I wanted them to get those associations. I let them sleep together in a crib at night until they were 3 months.
4. My little man was colicky - and the only thing that soothed him was a modified version of the 5 s's - dr. harvey karp's book - you can also google it and look on youtube. The my little lamb swing by fisher price was the key as well - the side to side swinging was what helped him - he has swung for hours...
5. My babies did not really care for pacifiers - and the only ones they took were the soothies.
6. When my dh went into the hospital when they were about 8 weeks old, I hired a night nanny - a nursing student who was about to graduate and who worked in the NICU - to work from 10 pm to 6 am - I did get up to pump but I had all my stuff next to my bed and a cooler to put the milk in - I did not have to get out of bed.
7. Keep food handy - even if it is cookies, candy, etc. - just so you can grab and stuff!
8. Did I mention making them stay on a schedule together - the first one to wake determines when they eat. This approach is approved by my pediatrician and in every book that I have read about twins.
9. Get a tandem feeding routine that works for you - also, I pump while I feed them on the couch - it is ridiculous but it saves time - I get them in their seats, they scream, I get the pump hooked up and am able to get bottles in their mouths and pump while they eat.
Finally - I cannot imagine the level of emotions that you must be feeling about the babes and Kara - I can just offer you hugs and support.
You are doing an awesome job.
It is soooo hard - please do not beat yourself up. My DH is awesome too - and he took the first two weeks off to help me and then I begged my mom to come down for two weeks - I was not on my own until they were almost four weeks.
I should have prefaced my comment with this - GET THEM ON THE SAME SCHEDULE. If one wakes up, wake the other one up to feed - that is the only way you will get any sleep and maintain any sanity. Seriously. I did that from minute one and I think it has helped us immensely.
The tandem feeding is the trick - what has worked for us is two bouncy seats - I sit in the middle of the couch and put one on each side facing me - we have to remove our couch cushion so the seat sits safely on the couch. I tried to do the tandem breast feeding - but I was so scared I would drop them in the middle of the night because I WAS SO TIRED. I nursed exclusively for the first four days or so but then I pumped exclusively...and pumped...and pumped. pumped every time that they ate - sometimes 10-12 times per day...and never let myself go more than 3 hours without pumping...that gradually tapered off and now I "only" pump 6 times per day, I am trying to get down to 5. I get 7 hours straight a night without pumping as well. I just cannot let myself off of the hook and give them formula...
Yes - the sleep deprivation is mind boggling - truly. I had a vaginal delivery - so I had a second degree tear, hemorrhoids, an anal fissure and incontinence to deal with after delivery...the physical agony is grueling on top of all of the hormones.
(have to split up comment, too large...)
I guess I will give a bullet point of what worked for me - also if you need to talk, email me at lapmp1648@gmail.com and I will give you my phone number.
1. Put babies on same schedule - they eat and sleep at the same time.
2. I let them nap anywhere they were during the day - bouncy seat, swing, etc.
3. I only let them sleep in their cribs at night (night=crib=sleep) - I wanted them to get those associations. I let them sleep together in a crib at night until they were 3 months.
4. My little man was colicky - and the only thing that soothed him was a modified version of the 5 s's - dr. harvey karp's book - you can also google it and look on youtube. The my little lamb swing by fisher price was the key as well - the side to side swinging was what helped him - he has swung for hours...
5. My babies did not really care for pacifiers - and the only ones they took were the soothies.
6. When my dh went into the hospital when they were about 8 weeks old, I hired a night nanny - a nursing student who was about to graduate and who worked in the NICU - to work from 10 pm to 6 am - I did get up to pump but I had all my stuff next to my bed and a cooler to put the milk in - I did not have to get out of bed.
7. Keep food handy - even if it is cookies, candy, etc. - just so you can grab and stuff!
8. Did I mention making them stay on a schedule together - the first one to wake determines when they eat. This approach is approved by my pediatrician and in every book that I have read about twins.
9. Get a tandem feeding routine that works for you - also, I pump while I feed them on the couch - it is ridiculous but it saves time - I get them in their seats, they scream, I get the pump hooked up and am able to get bottles in their mouths and pump while they eat.
Finally - I cannot imagine the level of emotions that you must be feeling about the babes and Kara - I can just offer you hugs and support.
You are doing an awesome job.
OMG--yes, the beginning is so hard it seems impossible. I remember crying every few hours, too, and I only had one baby to take care of. Just know that it definitely gets better and that this period, while it feels like forever, really does pass. It's like running a marathon right now and soon, you'll be sleeping again, breastfeeding will be going better (and/or you'll be supplementing with formula, which is totally okay if you need it), and you'll enjoy it much better.
Oh, and the physical recovery for us as mothers is awful--I was totally unprepared for this, too. Just like the adjustment for the first few weeks at home, this too gets better.
Go easy on yourself and cry when you need to. Talk to people. If you have a local moms group, go to it, even if you're exhausted. But mostly, know that you're not alone. I've been reading for a long time and am so happy for you. This all will continue to improve!
As a twin mommy of 4 month olds, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I pumped for a week and stopped because I had no time to spend with my babies, let alone take care of my personal needs like going to the bathroom, eating, and sleeping. Twin newborns are RIDICULOUSLY hard- and no one quite gets it unless they've been there. Don't feel like a failure. In those early days, if they are eating and sleeping, and you change their diapers sometimes, you are doing good. If you accomplish that by the end of the day, give yourself a pat on the back. A few months from now, you'll come out of your sleep-deprived haze and vaguely remember the early days. But you'll survive, as many twin moms have before you. I know it is sooo hard to have them cry early on, but you'll get used to it. One day you'll realize that logically, one might just have to wait while you take care of the other's needs. I remember my first day during the day alone, both babies had poopy diapers at the same time and were crying, and I started crying (sleep deprivation and all) because I didn't know how to take care of both of their needs at once. I slowly started to realize, I couldn't- but they'd be fine, even if they cried for a little bit.
As far as the swaddling, I would invest in miracle blankets. They are really hard to get out of. It might seem like your babies hate being swaddled, but I would keep them wrapped up tight at night to avoid being woken up too much. Think of it like shots- they might not like it, but in the end it's what's best for them to be healthy.
Good luck. You WILL come out of this as a happy, successful mom of twins who enjoys her babies and gets sleep. It takes time, but you'll get there soon.
I just came across your blog through a mutual blogger. If you don't mind I'll start following. I lost my baby girl at 32 weeks pregnant because of a cord accident. That was 11 months ago today and I am now 28 weeks pregnant with my second after a seriously lucky ivf cycle. I would love to follow someone who has survived a stillbirth and gone on to be a mother again. Your babies are beautiful. You look like a really busy new mom but if you want to follow my blog as well then just email me at brckshan@aol.com and I'll send an invite. Big hugs and sending lots of mommy energy your way to help you get through your day!
Twin mommy here - I really feel your pain and all I can say is that it WILL get better. The first year for me was all about survival. Don't worry about what you should be doing - just do what is easier on you and makes you a happy mommy. As long as they are fed and comfortable that is all that matters. I pumped also but did end up doing about 1/3 formula so I wouldn't be pumping all of the time. Also You really need to accept all of the help you can. That was hard for me because i am very independent and do NOT like to ask for help. But I threw up my hands and surrendered when my twins came - anyone who wants to help me is welcome to and I had to lower my pride and ask for help too. Mine are 16 months now and we are past 'surviving', I am really enjoying them. But in the beginning it is just survival.
Linked over from meinsideout...I know your sick of hearing this by now but it will get better, you will figure out what works for you guys. Its so so hard in the beginning, don't beat yourself up, your doing amazing! I gave up on breastfeeding myself and have never looked back. Keep trying if your really into it but if you just can't do it don't beat yourself up! Congrats on those beautiful babies and jump over to my blog and feel free to ask any questions! So far I have survied 7 months and its getting soooo much more fun!
Came over via Lisa- hon its okay to feel the way you do, don't be hard on yourself. About BF its hard and if its too hard give yourself permission to say its okay. Food is food. Its not a testament to the type of mother you are. Do the best you can and that is the best and all your babies need **hugs**
Oh- and just to give a contrasting POV from Thomas, just wanted to say that I exclusively pumped for the first six weeks because I had so many emotional challenges to breastfeeding but I now nurse him directly and haven't had any supply issues. . . *knock on wood* I think as long as you have a good quality pump it should be fine.
Hi, I asked my friend C (mom of 4 month old twins) and she suggested a couple of things.
Sleep - get some help so you can sleep some more (your in recovery after all).
Household stuff - ask for help or let it slide. She found that her in laws were grateful to help in a practical way (they did the washing and fed the family for a few weeks)
It's ok to let someone cry for a little bit. If you're changing one baby and the other is freakin' - so be it. His turn will come around in a few mins. Deep breath!
BF - take the pressure off!! It takes a while to get the hang of the double feed and most twins get bottle and boob. As long as they're feeding you are doing your job.
Like others that have posted, she mentioned that your hormones are all over the place so no matter how smooth things were going you would still be overwhelmed. It all settles down, she promises, and when it does it's great to be around the babies :-)
Hope some of these are helpful. Hope you get some rest and recovery and give yourself a break!! They are home!!!! yipeeeee
I'm glad to see there are so many comments already, and from moms of twins who really know what you're going through.
I just have my one little guy, but I will tell you this: The beginning is REALLY hard but it does get easier.
First of all, sweetie, please be kinder to yourself. You are post-partum! You have crazy, wonky hormones ebbing and flowing through your body. They make you emotional, fearful, tired, cranky and lots of other things. This is normal! It's crappy, but it's normal.
Plus, you're post-surgery. Um, ouch! Your body fluids are all out of wack, your body is working to heal your incision and uterus. You are physically beat to hell.
So, you are not a bad mother. You are not a bad wife. You are doing a great job and things will get better. Honest.
I don't know anything about twin scheduling, but if anyone has offered you help, accept it. At least for these first few weeks. Maybe friends or family. Your husband is a gem, and I'm sure you've told him so. Let him support you for now. He's able to do it.
Take a deep breath. It will be okay. It is hard. It truly is. But I promise you will feel better and things will get better before too long.
i hear you. the sleep deprivation is so hard. and at this point i think my body has gotten used to it- although i just came down with a cold. if there is any way you can get more help that would be so great- your mom, or hire a night doula. swaddling is helpful for sure, eventhough at times i feel like i get less sleep b/c of it, i think he gets a deeper sleep for sure. we just got a miracle blanket too and it seems much better.
do you have friends/family who can bring you meals? that's really important. can a friend coordinate for you? you need to eat. and maybe you can have friends also sign up to come over and help for a little while, even just to hold the baby while you take a shower.
i'd also recommend sleeping when the babies sleep. i am still not so good at remembering to do that, but i think it is so wise.
you are doing awesome, don't think your not. it's a huge adjustment. and you've got two!
thinking of you all
xoxo
Its so friggin hard!!!! And I only have one. The lack of sleep and constant feeding and/or pumping is brutal. You don't sound ungrateful AT ALL. You sound like you are being honest about having two newborn babies. AND you had a c-section (so did I). Its all alot to take. Give yourself time. Glad to hear you have a wonderful husband to help you!
We had a very fussy baby - The Happiest Baby on the Block worked wonders (especially swaddling - I don't think new babies need to stretch too much - wrap them up!). Didn't make it EASY, but made life better. Buy the video - you don't have time to read. And this may sound crazy, but when nothing else would calm my boy down, we ran the vacuum - that was the only thing that would calm him down quickly. We ran that vacuum SO MUCH in the first few months!
Hang in there. The suckiness does not last forever.
(Here from meinsideout)
CONGRATS on the healthy babies from another twin mama! Mine are 3 months old. :)
I also have a 2-year-old, so my first time mama experience was only with one. And let me tell you, IT WAS HARD FOR ME. Like really weepy, feeling like a failure, breastfeeding sucks, thought I would die from sleep deprivation, completely miserable HARD. And that was just with one. Now that I have twins, it is a ton of work but actually easier because I've been-there-done-that with newborn issues, and I have even more respect for those women who take home twins without having raised a singleton first. OH MY GOD, it would be tough.
I know everyone says this, but it's true. IT WILL GET EASIER. In every way. I struggled for months with BFing my singleton (I supplemented with formula the first weeks because my supply was so low), and not only were we able to exclusively breastfeed by 2 months, but he nursed until 18 months when I got pregnant with the twins.
Those post-partum hormones are strong and brutal. After suffering from infertility, "failing" at labor and needing a C-section after 3 hours of pushing, and then using formula, I thought I was never meant to be a mother. But by 3-4 months, we were sleeping better, breastfeeding was easier, we were past his reflux issue, and I finally felt like I could sooth and care for my son. It was AMAZING. I ended up quitting my job to stay home full time because I was having so much fun. Life got so much eaiser, so much happier!
Sorry, I don't mean to go on about myself... I just want to stress that this is temporary, just do your best and everything will change (for the better) very soon. This is all very hard, even harder with twins, and you are doing an amazing job.
Hang in there!!
What an inspiring story and an amazing outcome...two beautiful babies that choose you as 'mommy'. They choose you because they know you are MORE then capable of caring for them.
First baby/s are the hardest because we are not used to having someone else dictate our sleep patterns, you body will adjust and you will be amazed at how little sleep you actually need. (Our youngest daughter was born with Down Syndrome and I am going on 5 years with not ONE night of uninterrupted sleep...yet.)
The body heals by sleeping, you need to allow yours to heal. Ask and ALLOW others to help you until you are healed...you will be amazed at how much energy is freed up to function once your body recovers physically and emotionally.
Great job holding the space for this blessings to be here...Susette
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