Questions from this week's Glow in The Woods post:
What are your regrets about events and decisions you made in the aftermath of your baby's death? Are there are people in your life who wish to have been more involved? Less? How do you feel about it all?
There are several things I regret when I think about Kara's death. I regret that I wanted to be asleep during the c-section, but at the time, I could not contemplate having the surgery and not hearing her cries. Now, I regret that I wasn't stronger for her, that I didn't have the courage to face her entry into the world. But I am thankful that my husband was there and held her body until I was awake and could properly hold my daughter. I regret the outfit I chose for her burial. I let my husband make the choice and I felt it was a bit small for her, but would never know as I also let the funeral director dress her. I felt it was the right decision at the time, but now i wish I had the courage to see her one last time to dress her. I regret that I didn't call my best friend to come to the hopsital to see Kara. My BF regrets that also. Sharing my beautiful daughter with my BF who is like a sister to me, would have been the right thing to do, but it didn't even cross my mind. Only family was invited to the hosptial to see/hold her. I don't regret the funeral service, I feel it was a beautiful tribute to her and did her short life much justice. I regret that I didn't sing to her in my womb or tell her how much I loved her until she died. I regret that I couldn't fathom how much I would love her until I saw her beautiful face when they placed her body in my arms.
5 comments:
You are an amazing woman. I am crying for you and I wish that there were words but I know that there are not.
Sending you hugs.
What an amazing entry. Made me reflect on so much that's happening now and in the past
Thank you for being so honest and open.
Hugs to you, Kara and your two little ones
E
Reading your post has left me with a huge lump in my throat and eyes full of tears. I'm so sorry that on top of the most awful thing - losing Kara - you bear the additional pain of regrets. All I can say is that at each fork in the road, at the moment each of us has the opportunity to make a decision in life, we do the best we can at that moment in time with what we know and how we feel. You did your best under the stress of the nightmare of Kara's death. And I think you were more courageous than many of us would have been. Thank you for opening your heart and being willing to share these private feelings. Love to you and your family.
I so wish I could say something trite about how there is no reason to think about regrets but I know how stupid and useless that is. I am sorry that on top of everything else you have regrets...but you did the very best you could in an impossible situation.
HUGS.
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