5 years on June 4th

Its really affecting me this weekend.  Losing my girl so close to her due date...  My girlfriend just had her 2nd baby a few days ago and that's probably why.  Not that I'm jealous - I'm not.  Here's the deal - she lost her first baby at 20 weeks 3 years ago and we were all rooting for her to get pregnant again.  She finally did and just had her baby but her birth story has me all wondering whether Kara could have been saved if I had had better care.  My friend had a c-section 3-1/2 weeks earlier than she was due.  They scheduled her for the 31st and I get a text the other day that the baby came early.  I asked if she went natural or c-section and she texted back, c-section.  She said she went in for a check up on Wednesday and they decided to take the baby right then.  Apparently she was contracting and didn't even know it and when they checked her, she was dilating.  They didn't want her to have natural because she has uterine surgery 2 years ago so they scheduled her right away for a c-section.  I have to think that if I had a better doctor, she would have responded to my numerous calls about being in pain and being uncomfortable, by scheduling an ultrasound to check the baby.  They didn't.  I didn't know any better.  She died.  I tend to blame myself for her death because it was my first pregnancy and I was stupid.  Every time I called the Doctor with a complaint, I was told it was normal and I felt foolish for being such a wimp.  Maybe if I had paid more attention to my body, I would have pushed the issue and demanded an ultrasound.  Maybe I would have felt the contractions?  Maybe I would have saved her.  June 4th will be 5 years and it feels like it was yesterday.

My husband is in China for 10 days so I'm alone with my sadness.  I have no one to talk to, so when the AuPair put them down for naps today, I went for a 5-mile walk on the beach and cried my heart out.  My favorite band of all time is the Cure, and Robert Smith is my favorite singer.  I found this song today, while reading an interview he did about 10 years ago where he told the reporter that the song was inspired by friends who have lost children and a story he read about the skeleton of a child over a million years old, found buried alone.  Anyway, the song breaks my heart as it speaks of the child he'll never know.  It made me think that for all the interviews he's done over the past 30 years, he's claimed he and his wife never wanted children.  But an intensely private person, it just might be that he lost a child too, and chose never to share it with the public.  Maybe that's why the song has never been recorded and released - he only sings it live in concert.  Whatever his inspiration, it reminds me of my darling baby Kara, and the child and woman I'll never know.

http://youtu.be/XRbwvTMbCqs

To have his arms around me, to sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had…all I ever had…

I’d love to see him dream, I’d love to watch him sleep
To have his arms around me,
Held his arms in mine, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had for a moment of his love

He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my prayers and my hope
My wishes and dreams
Seems so long ago, so long ago…

I’d love to watch him dream, love to see him sleep
To have his arms around me, feel him as he breathes
Hold his hands in mine, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had for a moment of his love

He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my prayers and my hopes
My wishes and dreams
Seems so long ago…

He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my prayers and my hopes
My wishes and dreams

A boy I never knew
And the man I’ll never know
I’ll never know, I'll never know…

To have his arms around me, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had…

Robert Smith - The Cure

Pictures - 2 1/2 years old!

2 1/2 years old!  I can't even believe it myself.  They are so happy and full of love.  I never imagined how wonderful motherhood would actually be.  I mean, I had ideas, but this is amazing and so much more than I could have ever hoped for.  I love them more every day.

We are journeying on towards number 4.   We have 3 frozen embryos, and are transferring 1 on March 19th.  I'm excited, and nervous.  Nervous because I still have so many things to do before the next baby comes - like potty training twins and getting them into their own big kid beds.  Ugh - makes me stress out just thinking about it.  Meanwhile, the Lu.pron has me crazy already and it's only been 10 days.  I know I can do this...a frozen cycle HAS to be so much easier than fresh, eight???

We are also going on our first family vacation - to DI.SNEY!  YAY for us!  We can't afford it, can't afford this cycle, can't afford another baby, but here we go anyway.  We haven't been away in 5 years and it's not like we're spending a lot of money.  This trip is pretty affordable, generally speaking.  We'll just have to buckle down later and tighten our boot straps to pay for it all.  I turn 45 in July, so this baby has to happen NOW.  I'm freaking out that we have 2 more embies and I'm getting too old for more pregnancies.  That's for another post.

2013 - where has the time gone?

I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted.  Twins are doing great and we have settled into our new home and community.

In the past year, we've been through 3 nannies, 1 daycare, 2 AuPairs and 1 Pre School.  Phew.  (And I changed jobs)

We had a great nanny for a short time, but she quit unexpectedly and we enrolled the kids in daycare, with a part-time nanny helping out.  Daycare was too expensive ($2500/month) so we decided on an AuPair.  We thought that was going well, until the baby gym the kids attend on Tues & Thurs called me to me to say that they witnessed her being rough with my son. Turns out, she was not only rough, she was spanking him and dragging him along the floor and booting him with her foot! Now, I know he's in his terrible two's, but seriously???  Holy shit - I went crazy.  I called the AuPair agency and they picked her up right away and sent her back home to Slovakia and revoked her Visa.   There was a period of 2 months there where we searched for and matched with a new AuPair, and there was lots of crying and soul-searching.  A temporary nanny from an agency was brought in and the kids were also enrolled in a part-time Pre-School Mon-Fri. Truth is, we can't afford for me to be a SAHM, as much as I'd like to.  Our debt is too high and we have enormous child support payments ($4,650/month) for his other children for another 3.5 years.  I'm happy to say that we found a wonderful AuPair from Brazil and the children now have a wonderful schedule - preschool Mon-Fri 9-11:30 and a loving AuPair to care for them until Mom and Dad get home from work. 

Kids are doing great and we dropped bottles cold turkey last summer - without a peep! 

Next challenge:  getting M out of our bed and into a big girl bed.  Hopefully by her 3rd birthday in July. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!!!

Happy New Year everyone!

Weaning from the bottle - now?

Okay - kids are 18 months now and I'm ready to wean them from the bottle. Well, I'm not really ready, but they're starting a part-time daycare next week because I started a new job and my nanny can only work till 3 most days.... Anyway, the daycare doesn't allow bottles in the 18-month room. I think it's great, but that means my kids have to get weaned.

How to do it?

They take 4-5 bottles per day right now. I know it's a lot, but I don't know how to break it.

I've tried milk in sippy cups and that is rejected.

Here's their bottle schedule:

6am wake up bottle

7-7:30 breakfast (which my daughter refuses most times)

9:30 bottle before nap

snack at noon

lunch at 1:30-2'ish

3pm bottle

5pm dinner

6:30 bottle after bath

7:30/8pm bottle before bed

Please give me some advice? thanks

Pictures

I still don't have Christmas photos yet, but wanted to share a couple of pics from the kids' music/gymnastics class. When I look at my kids, I can't believe how blessed I am.

Christmas 2011, minus one

It's been so long since I posted, that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've been busy and when I'm free, I've been lazy. When I get the chance, I work out, take a nap, get a mani/pedi or just catch up on blog reading. I haven't paid my own blog very much attention. For one, it's painful to come here. It is Kara's place, a place where I've poured my heart out over her death for 3.5 years. For another, each time I post about how happy my twins have made me, I feel guilty over feeling happy for having live children while Kara is dead. It is a place that's difficult for me to visit without sadness and guilt.





But I do have live children, and I am very happy to have them. I am so very blessed and overwhelmed, and between my feelings of elation there are deep feelings of sadness for my missing little girl. Christmas is no harder than any other day, except for the fact that there are 3 other children in my family who were all born within 4 weeks of Kara's death. There was a tiny little children's table at my in-law's house this Christmas eve with 3 children's place settings on it. Helen, Luke and Gavin are all 3.5 years old. It broke my heart, and made me intensely angry at the same time, that all three children were sitting there and there was no Kara. There was no place setting with her name on it. There were no presents under the tree with her name on them. No one spoke her name on that night except me when I said my prayers before bed.





Even now, the thought of that tiny table with three little names on the seating cards makes me sad and angry. She has been erased from this earth, but not from our family and never from my memory or my heart.





Christmas was also very happy for us, too. After all, we do have Kara's little brother and sister here and they deserve happy parents and a merry Christmas. It was great having them around all of their cousins (27 in all) and around their grandparents, etc. They opened their gifts tenatively at first, then realizing that the ripped open paper revealed awesome toys, with increased intensity. It was great. This is my life - lots of joyous times mixed with that ever-present sadness. It is the new normal.





I must say, M & Q were the best dressed of the guests (50 in all!) I'll post some pics as soon as I get them downloaded form my mom's camera. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and my best wishes for a safe, happy and healthy New Year.

Just photos of the kids on their birthday

First Birthday

Tomorrow is the twins' first birthday. It's amazing how far we've come. The last 3 years of my life have been the worst and the best ever. When I lost Kara, I wanted to die. Now that I have M & Q, I want to live long enough to see them grow into healthy, happy adults with wonderful lives of their own. I worry that one of them will die before me. I try to concentrate on their lives and the wonderful things we've shared together so far.

It's amazing we made it through the first year. The sleepless nights (when does that end, again?) the crying, the colic, the reflux, the all-nighters, the smiles, the giggles, the belly laughs, the crawling, the first steps, the babbling. It's all so wonderful. When my daughter, M, is being rocked to sleep, I just stare at her in wonderment. It's all so amazing. I'm so glad to be alive.

We celebrated their birthday yesterday, with everyone who matters. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, best friends, neighbors. It was amazing. And the cake....oh the cake. I think watching them eat cake was one of the happiest moments in my life - I'll remember it forever.

3 years of loss

Yesterday was 3 years since we lost Kara. Today was 3 years since her birth. The pain is still fresh ~ I have days where I can sob as if it were yesterday. I grieve her as much today as I did 3 years ago when I learned of her death inside of me.

I grieve her loss to us, of course. I grieve losing every moment with her - every smile, giggle, cry, snuggle, and kiss. I grieve never having seen her open her eyes, never having her lay eyes upon us. But most of all, I grieve HER loss. The loss of HER life. SHE never got any of those things. She never had a smile, a giggle, a cry, a hug, a cuddle. She will never have kindergarten, high school, the prom or a wedding. She will never have a family of her own or any of those things that people take for granted every single day. This is what I grieve most of all. She was robbed of her life and the thought can make me rage inside.

I love you, baby girl. I miss you with every fiber of my being and I always will. I hope you know how much your mommy & daddy love and miss you, and how much we look forward to the day when we will be reunited again with you. You are my precious baby girl.

10 months and sleep issues

I am committed to updating my blog regularly from now on. I really need your advice and support and I usually just can't find time to write.


My twins are 10 months now. Q-man is FINALLY sleeping through the night and only occasionally requires a feeding between 3-4am. He wakes up around 5:30am every morning like clockwork. He naps beautifully - put him in crib and close the door. Crying for 1 min or less (sometimes not at all) and he goes to sleep for 90min - 2.4 hrs twice daily. Nice, right? (We did the Ferber method of CIO with him months ago and it worked perfectly.)

Miss Muffit has always needed to be rocked before naps and at bedtime. Used to take a few minutes, but gradually has increased to 20-45min of rocking befofre bedtime at night. (naps are quicker - 10 min tops). She has always slept through the night and occasionally needed a night feeding - always slept in crib and was the easiest baby. Both used to go down at 7pm and woke at 5:30am. We never needed to do CIO with her because she went down so easily and slept 10 hrs straight.


One week ago, it all started going downhill. Miss Muffit decided she would not be put down into the crib. She would be asleep in my (or DH's) arms in rocking chair, and would instantly sit up and raise her arms when put in crib. (WTF???) I had to travel Mon - Thurs last week, and this all started last Saturday. DH was home alone with them and Muffin's sleep issues began. He could not put her down! After an hour of this, he brought her back downstairs and she fell asleep in his arms watching baseball. Several more attempts to put her down in crib ended badly, and he brought her to bed. She would cry for 5 minutes and vomit. This happened 3 nights in a row. He cleaned her up and brought her to his bed.


While I was away, I instructed the nanny to begin CIO with her during naps. we did progressive waiting with a 30 min max, so checking in after 1min, 3 min, 5 min, 5 min, 10 min, if still crying, she is brought back downstairs to try again a little later. After ONE MINUTE, she vomited all over herself and had to be bathed, changed and rocked again.


One week later and here's how it goes. She stays up until 8pm now, falls asleep in rocker and is put into crib. Wakes up at 10pm and is brought into our bed. She sleeps until 6:30-7am now.


Part of my thinks its okay. She has 4 teeth coming in and she is experiencing terrible separation anxiety. I can't walk away from her with the nanny without her screaming bloody murder.

I know "this too shall pass" but am I creating a monster? I hope I'm just indulging her in her time of need with the teething and sep. anxiety. I hope I'm not creating really bad sleep habits that will haunt me until she's 5. Any advice?

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of my Babylost mama friends, and to those friends with live children at home. It's been a wonderful day here and unbelievably relaxed and pleasant.

I know I owe this blog an update and I am committed to updating more regularly, but it seems the time just gets away from me.

So on Thrusday, I received a Mother's Day card from my dad & stepmom. I was so touched, but then inside it said 'On Your First Mother's Day'. Well, I broke down and cried. This is my THIRD Mother's Day. It may not seem much to you if you haven't lost a child, but imagine...you lose a child and have no living children at home...you are still a mother, right? So now I have two living children at home and all of sudden it's my first Mother's Day. Yup. Made me a mess. I KNOW they haven't forgotten Kara...but have they forgotten that I'm still her mother? Well, the next day, they sent me flowers, WITH THE SAME MESSAGE! Happy First Mother's Day! Another tearful moment. The flowers were so thoughtful, but the message just bit me in the ass.

Let's face it, it wasn't a happy day when my only child was no with us, but I was still a mother. Burns my ass.

Twins are doing great! I am loving being a mom to living children. I cannot believe how much more I love them every single day. Q has taken his first steps without help, and M is standing and pulling herself up on everything. Eating is still a challenge for her - she prefers her bottle over any solids, but both a happy and healthy and great kids.

The weather has been lovely and we are walking as much as we can. Kids love being outside in the gorgeous weather; bare feet in the wind and hair blowing in the breeze. Love it.

This Mother's Day has been the best ever. I am blessed with three gorgeous children. Two here with me and one looking out for us in Heaven.

I miss her every second of every day, but that is a post for another day. I've been struggling with her loss (have I ever stopped?) and can't accept the magnitude of her loss. I will post about this soon as it's something ruminating in my mind over and over.

M & Q are getting big - below is a picture of them on Easter in their finest. My lovely babies.

quick update

It's been a long time since my last post - things are very busy here! Q is crawling all over the place and he's just about unstoppable. He pulls himself almost all the way up now and has become a menace :-) M is crawling backwards and mostly content with whatever she is playing with. Both are sleeping 11 hours with Q waking up only once to eat. It's like heaven. I never thought we'd get to this point. They wake up at 5am to begin their day (now 6am with the time change) but we hope that moves a little later soon. Weekends are really hard on me when I'm taking 99% of the responsibility for 13 hours. I usually end up in tears at some point and I go to bed on the weekends when they do.

We've started swin lessens at the local YMCA - and it's so much fun! It really gives us something to do on Saturdays, and tuckers them out for their afternoon nap. My mom comes with me to help and it's been really fun.

Both are starting to tire of their Jumperoos....what is the next activity toy? We have toys scattered all over the living room for them, but I need something to contain them for a few minutes at a time. I guess one of those scooter things? Any ideas? The Jumperoos have been lifesavers for us and they have really enjoyed them for months. They both received walkers for Christmas, but they're both still a bit short to reach the floor in them.

Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Here are photos of my favorite people on their way to swim class:

Lack of Sleep

If I had to choose the best 'toy' we bought for them, it's definitely the Rainforest Jumperoos. They LOVE LOVE LOVE them. See smiling faces above... :-)

The twins are doing great - they're starting to finally enjoy their solids a little more and feeding has gotten a bit easier as a result. My son has learned to roll where he wants to go, so he's busy entertaining himself rolling from one side of the living room to the other to see different toys. My daughter is really working hard to crawl - getting up on knees and rocking a lot. Sleep still sucks - my daughter is a champ but my son is really not a good sleeper. I've started putting him down later (7pm as opposed to 5:30-6) and he STILL wakes up at 3:30 - 4am to start his day. WTF? When does this get better? It sucks starting your day at that time. Ugh. And that's after getting up once to eat at 11pm. I wish I could just bring him to bed with us and he'd go back to sleep but that's not happening either. He wants to be AWAKE. I'm hoping this changes in the next couple of months. I mean really, they won't do this when they're a year old, right? Right?

I have re-joined the gym and hope to get there 3x's per week until they're old enough for me to be comfortable leaving them in the babysitting room. Until they can crawl and get around really well, I'm just not comfortable putting them in the nursery with other kids while I work out. That leaves me working out either on the weekends when my husband can watch them, or during the week when the nanny is here and I am supposed to be working. I think I can manage 3 times right now. I've also started on a diet because twice in two days, someone made comments about me being pregnant. I only have 20 extra pounds on me, but they're all in my belly. Needless to say, I cried quite a bit in the past 3 days over this. I've gone back to eating egg whites and oatmeal every morning and only salads for lunch & dinner. No bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. No McDonald's. No yummy delicious lunches with clients in the city...I have to stick with salads with chicken or fish in order to start losing some of this belly. Ugh. I'm disgusted. And I wish I could do plastic surgery like EB, but DH is still looking for work and our finances are very stressed. AND - I want another baby. Yes, I want one more child, so I'll have to wait on that belly reduction surgery.

Today is 6 Months!

I can't believe we made it this far...in the very early days I would read my twin mommy blogs and just pray that I would make it to 6 months as quickly as possible. Before you judge me, IT'S HARD WORK RAISING TWINFANTS! Seriously people...this is frickin' hard. Worth it, but not an easy task.

They turned 6 months today and I feel grateful to have them and pretty pleased with myself for having survived. At the mall on Saturday, an overweight woman came up to me and asked me if it's hard raising twinfants...I replied "Holy shit. I had no idea how hard it was until I lived through it. The first four months was impossible." Then I glanced at her belly and asked..."Are you pregnant with twins?" (I wish I would have noticed the belly first...I really thought she was just overweight.) She replied "Yes, I just found out yesterday that it's twins and I have a 5 y/o and an 11 m/o." I, of course, amended my statements and told her it's definitely manageable if you get them on the same schedule, blah blah blah.

I have never been successful getting them on the same schedule. I've lived 6 months with twins who have been on different schedules. She sleeps through the night with one feeding, feeds every 2.5-3 hrs throughout the day and naps every 2 hours. He wakes up twice a night, feeds every 4 hrs throughout the day and naps every 2.5 hours. Never could get them on the same schedule. Besides, they sleep in separate rooms because he always wakes her up. Now her sleep is protected and we all sleep better at night.

We are successfully implementing the Ferber sleep training technique. Can I just say 'FERBER ROCKS.' For real - this is amazing. If you recall, for the first 5 months my husband stayed up all night because my son was basically up every 45 minutes needing to be held, rocked, bounced, burped, whatever. It was always something. Last week I took a few days off and decided to sleep train for naps. I figured that if they learned to put themselves to sleep on their own (NO BOUNCY CHAIRS!!!) they would be able to put themselves back to sleep easier at night and not need us to bounce, hold, rock them every 45-min sleep cycle. Since then our lives have drastically improved. My son gets up once or twice a night and if he doesn't need to be fed or changed (he is offered a bottle numerous times before putting him back down) he is put back in his crib to cry it out. IT WORKS. (NOTE: They have figured out my breaking point during naps and they know I'm a softie. I need to work on that.) But hey - we're making progress! We can actually go to bed at a decent hour and sleep until 5am, sometimes 6am!!!! I could probably get another hour out of them if I kept them up later, but they're in bed by 6 (sometimes a little earlier) because neither wants that last nap around 2 or 3pm each day. By 5pm I'm tired of the whining and baths begin.

Looking back on the first 6 months, I seriously never thought it would get better. The drudgery of running 'shifts' with the babies was really, really wearing on me. DH from 9p-5a, ME from 5a - 9p (in between the nanny) and on the weekends it was just awful. I would be so exhausted and overwhelmed...I still can't believe we made it here. Things are manageable and improving every day. I am so blessed to have these babies. As much hard work as it is, I love them with every fiber of my being and I'm so very grateful for them. When I lost Kara, I lost the will to live. M & Q saved my life.

Christmas was hard. Besides the fact that we had 5 days straight with no nanny (before sleep training) we were run ragged with lack of sleep and lack of help every day. On top of that, we didn't visit relatives because the twins don't sleep well at my in-laws 2 states away and they had 60 people over for Christmas Eve. (yes, 6-0) WAY too many people for me with newborn twins. So, after putting the babies to bed, DH and I cried our hearts out together on the couch listening to Johnny Mathis singing 'Blue Christmas' and thinking of Kara and everything she missed out on. It takes my breath away to think of everything she missed. Kisses, hugs, snuggles, sunshine, stroller rides, playgrounds, kindergarten, school, college, boyfriends, proms, sports, a family of her own, children and grandchildren. The list goes on and on. We thought of our lost daughter and cried a lot that night. So yes, even though we're happy to have our lives filled with children, we will always grieve the child we lost. Every lovely memory of M&Q will be bittersweet because Kara will never have that moment, that memory. It's so fucking unfair. She didn't even get a chance. DH & I have become jaded about death, even in the very young. When we hear about a teen dying young, or a young adult whose passed, it's always "At least they had that many years. Kara didn't even get a day." So Christmas was very bittersweet for us, trying to enjoy the moment with M&Q while remembering our angel and crying for all that she (and we) lost. I don't imagine it will ever get any easier.

I will post pictures in my next update. I wish everyone a Happy New Year.

5 Month photos & update

I have to share a Christmas photo of the twins at 5 months. DD was not very pleased at the whole flashbulb-in-her-face-thing, and both were quite surprised at the different poses they were put in, but this is the only one that turned out pretty good. I couldn't get the photographer I wanted because she was booked through New Years, so I went to the mall and learned my lesson the hard way. $160 later, I'll never do that again.

They are healthy and thriving; she weighs 19lbs and wears a size 3 diaper, while he weighs 17lbs and wears a size 2. Both are rolling over and trying to crawl by squirming around on the floor until they inch their way forward or sideways. Both are trying to talk. My son goes "bbbbrrrrbbb" over and over and my daughter babbles all kinds of sounds constantly. She sleeps like a champ....but my son doesn't sleep AT ALL at night. He is literally up every 45 minutes, wanting to be held, rocked, bounced, etc. It is horrible and today we are heading back to the GI specialist to see if there is something else going on besides GERD (which is controlled right now with Prev.acid). My husband is up all night and can't even get a solid hour of sleep. My daughter wakes up sometimes at 11pm and always at 4pm for a feed and goes back to sleep within 45 minutes, so it's not so bad on that front. But him....good Lord. I don't know what we're going to do. I hate the thought of CIO because it seems cruel, if in fact he is truly uncomfortable in his tummy. That's why the visit to the GI doctor today. We shall see.

My kids LOVE LOVE LOVE Ba.by Ein.stein videos. They're on most of the day while the kids are doing other things (play mat, jumperoo, rolling around, eating, etc.) If the videos are not running in the background, they get antsy and whiny and no one wants two cranky babies. Obviously when it's story time or time to sing along with our baby CD, it's off. It's so hard right now with the weather being so freakin' cold - I can't even get them out in the stroller because it's been 25-degrees and windy. On the weekends we'll go to the mall and stroll for 1-2 hours, but during the week the nanny is at the mercy of the weather and it's no fun at all. If Ba.by Ein.stein makes me a bad mom, then I guess I'm a bad mom. I seriously don't know what else to do with them besides their current activities of jumperoos, playmat, rolling over, feeding, reading books, singing songs, etc. They always get plenty of floor time and rolling around time but they get bored and sometimes need something else to distract them. If you have any good suggestions, I'm open.

They also are completely dependent on their bouncy seats to fall asleep. In order to get them down for nighttime or for naps, they are placed in their bouncies and read stories (sometimes we sing along to a nursery rhyme CD when they're not quite tired enough yet) and then I (or nanny) bounces them to sleep with our foot and transfers them to their cribs. It works for now...but when they outgrow their bouncies at 25lbs, I screwed. I've decided not to worry until then though, because they seriously change every few days. One day they like this, another day they start liking something else. I'll worry about it when they get to be 25lbs. It's impossible to rock a baby who doesn't want to be rocked in a rocking chair - they get worked up and get a second wind. My son would be rocked, but my daughter really likes to be bounced. go figure. My friends with singletons are horrified at the 'bouncing to sleep' practice but seriously? don't judge me until you have TWO babies to put down for naps and for bed. I can not imagine how EASY one baby would be compared to two with completely different likes/dislikes, temperments, sleeping patterns, one with serious reflux, etc. I hope we will have another baby after these two, because it will be a walk in the park compared to this. I can't tell you how many times I've pee'd or eaten a meal with one in my arms. Or how many times I've had to bounce both with both feet while holding pacifiers in each of their mouths until they fall asleep. Or how hard it is to carry TWO babies in their car seats out to the car in freezing weather while loading the 50# double stroller by myself. It is not easy. You have to make do and find whatever works. I'm not complaining, but I'm so tired of hearing my singleton-mom friends tell me how to do things that I'm ready to snap.

The other thing is bedtime. They and I...LOVE our bedtime routine. Usually around 5:30pm we start bathtime, dress in our jammies & Sleepsacks and sing a few songs and read a few books. Then our bedtime book and bottles, and we are ASLEEP by 6pm! I vary this a little bit depending on how tired they both are. But usually this is our routine and we love it.

I'm deliriously happy and so very grateful to have these two little ones in my life. I'm so blessed that they are healthy and alive. Even when he's up all.night.long. We are still so very happy that they are alive and healthy. It is awesome having TWO and I can't imagine having one. They look for each other when they're separated (if one takes an extra long nap or runs to the store with my husband.) They hold hands when playing on the play mat and even 'communicate' with grunts and squeals - too cute.

That's my update - I hope everyone is doing well and I'll post again in a few days. I have another post in my head that I need to get out into cyberland.

A story I just had to share....

Four year old meets sister in heaven....

4 Months & Pure Cuteness

It's been a long time since my last post. Things are a bit hectic in my household, to say the least. Everyone is doing well and I'm really getting the hang of mothering twins. It's a juggling act mostly - but definitely fun and well worth the difficulty! I love these kids to pieces and I can't imagine my life without either one of them.

M is still ahead of Q in terms of weight, development, sleeping, etc. She weighed 17lbs 4oz as of last Monday and for several months now has been giggling and laughing, smiling and cooing, making all kinds of noises. She is sleeping 6:30p or 7p - 1am or 3am and goes back down easily until 5am. She is a dream baby. Hard to PUT to sleep - lots of bouncing in the bouncy chair to get her down, but once I put her down, she stays. She is loving applesauce & sweet potatoes, not big on rice cereal (stuff smells horrible!)

Q weighed 15.5lbs as of monday and still has horrible reflux, but the Prev.acid is a wonder drug. He is a happy spitter now, has started giggling and once in a while a belly laugh will light up my world. Hates food with a spoon, not big on his bottle either actually. He also goes down around 6:30-7p but unlike his sister, he is up at 10:30, 12:30, 2, 3 and then needs to be physically bounced in his bouncy seat until 5am when M wakes up. It is horrible. I don't know if it's the reflux, but my Pedi says to give it another month and let's talk about it then. I guess by 5 months he should be doing better, but my DH is dying. He takes night shift and it sucks when he can't even get a 2-3 hr stretch of sleep because of Q. Q doesn't even wake up because he's hungry - I believe he wakes up and can't put himself back to sleep or his reflux is bothering him, but I can't be sure. It's too early to sleep train yet so we just have to suffer through it. I'm 'this close' to bringing him to bed with us to see if that would help him sleep through the night, but I'm afraid it won't work either and BOTH DH and I would lose sleep all night long. I am at a loss on this one...any advice?

They both love their Fisher.Price Jump.eroo's - and Baby.Einstein RULES my world. The only time I can really get bottles washed and the living room straightened up is when Baby.Einstein is on. They are glued to the TV and I can eat, do laundry, straighten up, wash bottles, etc. It's my only break because although I try to get them to nap together, it's not always possible. AND - they nap in the living room so I am limited on what I can get done while they're asleep.

My mom has finally stepped up to the grandma plate. She comes every Saturday and helps me all day. This week she came Friday afternoon and stayed over. We had the best time and I was able to paint Q's room and get some of their Christening gifts & my maternity clothes put away. It's amazing what you can get done when you're not holding a baby 16 hrs a day!

Work sucks. I can't focus when I'm working from home because I react to every cry. They don't really 'cry', they may whine or yell for one reason or another, but once in a while they do cry if they have trouble burping or are over tired, and I find myself running upstairs to help the nanny. I have to show her how to please them and what they may need when they are doing this or that, etc. I can't stand to let them whine/cry and I always involve myself to alleviate their discomfort. I hope that eventually she will get to know my babies as well as I do. She's doing a great job, but I still involve myself. ugh.

That's my update - they're stirring from their morning nap. will post soon.
All is well here except for Q's sleeping woes. Babies are happy, mom & dad are happy and exhausted.

14 weeks and almost under control

Wow - the twins turned 14 weeks on Monday and things are gently falling into place. Here is where we stand, the good, bad & the ugly.

• Not in their cribs yet. Both still sleeping in the living room. M on the couch, Q in his swing, in his bouncy and on the floor on the pack & play mattress. He is unable to stay comfortable due to his reflux and his gas, but he's slowly getting better. M sleeps 6-8 hrs at a time, but she is still sleeping on her belly, on a toss pillow on the couch. I am horrified as I write these words, but that's the truth.



• I am better able to manage them alone and I now enjoy the time immensely. I look forward to when the nanny leaves so I can have them to myself. DH naps from 7-9p so we have our bedtime ritual and we all love it.



• I look forward to weekends when I have them to myself. It's hard work - no sugar-coating it. WHen DH is sleeping and I'm alone for 8 hours, it's tough. But I get a nap when he wakes up and now have a bit of help from my mom who has decided to help out on Saturdays.



• M is giggling and smiling like crazy. She is starting to grab toys and loves to explore how different textures feel in her hands. She fights sleep and is difficult to get to sleep, but once asleep, will nap for 2-3 hrs at a time and sleeps 6-8 hrs at a stretch during the night.



• Q's reflux is finally under control (hail Preva.cid) and is smiling and happy. He is easy to fall asleep for his naps and generally the easier of the two.



• M weighed 15lbs at her 13 week checkup. big girl!



• Q weighed 14lbs at his 13 week checkup. finally gaining some weight!



• My PPD is finally under control. It took about 6 weeks for the meds to really take full effect, so I am feeling better and more in control of my life.



• I'm hating work and I wish I was a SAHM. Nothing at work is interesting anymore.



• I am on my third nanny. Nanny one was too young and inexperienced. M was being ignored because she was 'difficult'. M&Q were both being bounced in their bouncy chairs WAY too much and no one was getting read to, played with, etc. Nanny two was Nurse Ratchet. Professional, but hard core. They were going into their cribs and she was using the Ferber method at just 12 weeks. Considering they were only 8 weeks adjusted, this was unacceptable and we altered her approach. Even when they were awake, they were fussing and crying and she was stuffing the binky in their mouths. Unacceptable. I kept intervening and showing her what they actually wanted. If they napped for 10 min in their cribs, she would get them and start singing loud songs to them in the living room. okay - onto nanny three. I found her on careDOTcom - mother of 10 yr old twins. She is working out pretty well. She is mellow and sweet - loves kids. She has been there, done that. She understands. She handles them well and although they still fuss (what baby doesn't?) their eyes are not puffy from crying like with Nurse Ratchet. They are generally happy and kept busy watching Baby Einstein, playing on their play mat, being read books, going for long walks in the stroller and singing sweet nursery rhymes. Not a dynamic nanny, but good enough. She is gentle and caring and I feel like the kids are getting enough stimulation.

So there's my update. And here are some updated pic's of my little cuties.

Almost 12 Weeks

Monday, the twins will be 12 weeks. In my mind, 12 weeks was some magical milestone...they would sleep through the night, be on the same feed/sleep schedule, be in their cribs, and generally be easier to be alone with. I really thought I wouldn't need as much help as I did when they were younger.

But I do. I need the help. I have a nanny during the work week, but otherwise we're on our own. No one is helping me except one girlfriend who doesn't have kids of her own yet. We used to be best friends...for 15 years, in fact. We moved across country together and then moved back East 10 yrs later together. We lost contact 5 yrs ago when she wouldn't enter rehab for her alcoholism and we recently reconnected and long story short - she is here every Sunday to help. She is an angel. But you'd think my own mother would help out. Every Saturday I call to ask for her help and she has some bullshit plans...one time it was 'Yard-saling with Aunt L, another time it was some other stupid shit. My mom is retired. You'd think she would find it in her heart to come and help out and NOT make trouble for me & my husband. About 6 weeks ago I wrote a post on how she was coming here to "Help" and actually made things worse. A normal person would just come and help her daughter with twins. My mom has decided to fuck me and not help at all. I'm so frustrated and angry with her and I feel so abandoned. I can't afford the nanny on weekends or evenings and I'm just overloaded.

One of my girlfriends came up yesterday, G, who has 3 kids of her own, all under 8. She is very busy with all of their extra-curricular activities and can't really help. But, she did offer some advice that I think may help save my sanity. It may be time to put them in their cribs a few times a day and let them cry a little bit so I can get something done, or even have a few moments to myself. When DH wakes up today (he's on the night shift) we are putting the second crib together in another room, and they are going into their cribs. I know I'll be crying when they cry, but I really think my sanity ultimately depends on them being able to get naps during the day.

Any advice? I am so confused and insecure about my parenting abilities. I think I need some advice from other moms. help.

9 Weeks Tomorrow

Wow - this is really, insanely hard. And I have help during the week, and a husband who lets me sleep 8 hours at night - and this is horribly difficult.

I'm not enjoying it, mostly. I have moments where I do enjoy it - mainly when I have someone else here to help hold one while I focus on the other. I melt inside when I get those smiles and when they interact with me. But I had no idea how hard this would be.

When I'm alone with them, I keep the X.a.n.ax on hand because I mentally breakdown and I'm unable to hold it together.

If I had only one, I could feed, play, and rock/hold/swing/sway, etc. that one to sleep. Having two ALONE is ridiculously hard. You get one down and the other is screaming and wakes the first one up. It goes on and on like that all day long. I am on pins & needles until I have help.

And they're still in the living room, sleep on the couch (supervised) on the floor (supervised) in their bouncy chairs or swings, because they won't go in their cribs. I'm hoping maybe at 12 or 16 weeks that will happen. Right now, it's just impossible.

Anyway - we're hanging in there, but I feel like a shit because I'm struggling and not really enjoying myself most of the time. I only enjoy it when there is help, which there is NONE of on the weekends.