Monday Ramblings

It's hard to stay positive when you have a dead baby.
It's hard to live each day when you miss your child with every breath and physically hurt from the longing to hold/see/smell/touch her.

I wonder how we do it, us babylost parents. How do we continue to live our lives? The pain of longing and missing is quite often, too much for me. I find myself crying in the car while running errands. Crying in the store when the reality of her loss hits me fresh and new again. Crying when we leave the restaurant where a toddler sat at the next table, looking adoringly at his mother while she fed him.

Each night when I lay down to sleep, I pray that Kara is warm & safe, surrounded by my loved ones, in Heaven with Him and with my dog Junior. I thank Him for giving me the honor of being Kara's mommy. For giving me the experience of her pregnancy, and thanking Him for every kick, somersault, and hiccup I felt. Thanking Him for giving me 9 months to hold her body with mine. And angry with Him for taking her away from DH and I.

My life has changed in so many ways since her death. I am trying to put my life back together again, trying to be less sad, more active, more positive. Trying to enjoy some of life again and trying to live each day with a little less pain and sadness. I must stay focused on my positive changes, because that's all I can control. The pain and sadness is more difficult, because I can't control it. I can only let it wash over me and try to recover when it has run its course.

I look forward to my DE cycle, hoping it gives me the opportunity to become a parent to a live child. Please God, give me a live child. Please, please, please, let me get what I want, this time. Please give me a live child.

And please give me the patience to hang in there until November's DE cycle.

Positive Changes

In my last post, I complained about my shitty life. I hate my job, hate my body, want to move and want a family (NOW, please!). I want to stop being sad, I want to enjoy my life again. How can I get back the interest I used to have in life? Everything centers around my infertility and the loss of my daughter. Everything ultimately leads me back to sadness.

I've done a lot of thinking the past week and have decided to tackle a few of these challenges.

1. I joined Wei.gh.t Wa.tchers. Lost 2.6lbs the first week! 12.4lbs left to go. Hooray for me! I've always been active and fit, but my weight has been out of control since starting IVF 3 years ago and especially after losing Kara. Carrying around an extra 10-15lbs is not acceptable for me. Time to get serious and control what goes in my pie hole.

2. I've decided to look for a new job. It's not the optimal time to search for said 'new job' but I figure that good people are always in demand. I'm the best salesperson I've ever met; I just need to get the interview. I've brushed up my resume, joined an *expensive* online job board and I've dedicated 1-2 hours daily to searching and applying for jobs.

Taking control of my life is the only way I know how to live. For too long now, I've allowed my infertility to control me; to control my decisions and my career path. No longer. I will take back the power and make positive changes in my life.

I can't bring back Kara, I have to learn to live with the pain and loss. I have to continue therapy and try to find a way to live with this pain. Cemetary visits with my baby are, and will be, part of my life until I die. I suspect that I will be working on this one for the rest of my days.

I can't change make my eggs younger or healthier. I can't turn back the hands of time. If I could, we'd have Kara with us today. Instead, I can make healthy, informed decisions on how to start a family. today. We've chosen a donor and our DE cycle starts in October.

I can't make my job more interesting or inspiring. I can take it day by day and try to make the best of it while searching diligently for a new challenge. I can commit to 2-3 hours each day to search & apply for new opportunities. I bought a new suit on Thursday for a Friday interview and felt like a new person. :)

I can't wish these 15lbs away. I can't walk them off either, unfortunately. I CAN stop eating like the skinny person I used to be, and start eating to lose weight. 2.6lbs down - woo hoo!

I can't sell my house and run away somewhere and hide from the grief and sadness that has enveloped my home since Kara died. But I can spend some $$ and make my place look a little different. P.otteryB.a.rn.com, here I come.

I'm liking the changes already.

Can I get a Do-Over?

I have been in a slump since my last IVF cycle failed. I know I'm in a slump, and I feel powerless to change it. Positive thoughts? bah! That doesn't really work for me. I feel like I need a big change in my life - new job? new house? new baby? I am stuck in a rut of sadness and exposing and identifying the various causes of my sadness each day is like peeling back an onion. There are just so many layers upon rotten layers, and it all winds up to missing my baby.

I am caught in a rip tide of sadness. I feel as if I need someone to straighten out my life and say 'That's it - that's what you should change and you'll start feeling better.'

• I work from home as a manufacturer's sales rep. I love sales, but working from home is tough when I wake up sad and can't get motivated to make those phone calls. On the other hand, if I get pregnant and have a live child, this job would be perfect. I am home 2 days per week and on the road locally the other 3. (lately, I'm home a lot more often.) Perfect for a small child at home. I sought out this job because I wanted to work from home when I was pregnant and started my family. It also works for infertility/IVF treatments because my schedule is so flexible and nobody is in my business. Starting and having a family is and was my #1 priority. 3 years later, I'm still without a live child and I'm working in a job where my MBA is being wasted, I'm not motivated and have too much time to be sad, I'm not interested in the industry or the products I sell, and I have generally 'dumbed' myself down professionally. Not sure what to do here, since I'm still not pregnant and now hate my job and the people I work with. I've started to look, but can't commit to commuting 1 hour to NYC for a 'real' job when I might be pregnant in November.
• My home is a brand new townhouse that backs up to the beach. My deck is 80 feet from the Atlantic ocean. How can I beat that? We have a really nice place that we love very much. Except, its full of sadness. This house reminds me of being pregnant with Kara, and of grieving so hard for her when we lost her. Everywhere around me are reminders of happier days. We talk about moving up to Westchester for a while and renting out our place, but Kara is buried here in town and moving an hour north of here....I just can't bring myself to leave her. How could I live an hour away and not be able to visit her whenever I wanted to? I don't know if I could do it. But a change of scenery sounds appealing sometimes. I don't think I can do it.
• I have failed IVF so many times I can barely count anymore. Kara was our 3rd IVF attempt and she was a miracle. Since losing Kara, we've failed 4 additional IVF cycles in 1 year and I'm exhausted emotionally and physically. I hate my body and can't get back into fighting shape. I've been soft and 10-15lbs overweight for 3 years since starting Infertility treatments. I never used to go above 135lbs - e.v.e.r. NOW I'm 154. ugh. I work out 4-5 times per week and I eat healthy - I just can't lose without starving myself. So I cry about that too. My self-image just sucks and I've devalued myself as a woman and as a person by letting IVF kick my ass. At least I've started W.eigh.t W.atch.ers this week. That's one thing I feel like I can control - counting those damned points. I feel like I'm on the right path here. Come November, I'm hoping to be pregnant anyway (see, it always comes down to that - I might be pregnant next cycle....this is how I live my stupid life.)
• I am grieving the loss of my first and only child, Kara. 37 1/2 weeks and her heart stops?! WTF? I am angry at God, angry at my body, and overwhelmed that I will never get to do the things I had planned with this special little person. She was already such a huge part of our lives when I was pregnant with her, how can one watch her dreams disappear in one sentence 'I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat. ' HOW??? All of my dreams went up in smoke that day and all the days since. Everything I had planned for this little princess was gone. And I have no living children at home to distract me, or to make me want to live again. All I live for is the next IVF cycle, hoping that I get 1 good embryo. I miss her with every breath, and will for the rest of my life.
• I am grieving the possible loss of motherhood. I can't continue on this IVF-path much longer. Emotionally, I am spent. Physically, I am shot. If someone could tell me that 10 IVF cycles later, I'll definitely have a baby - then I'd do it. But to keep going on this emotional rollercoaster is insanity. Every three months, Estrogen, Progesterone, Gona.l-F, Men.opur, Cet.rotide, Lu.pron. Ultrasounds;, ooops, there are only 5 follicles. Retrieval; only 3 mature eggs. ICSI; 3 fertilized. 3-day update, 5-day update, PGD testing, 24-hr wait until we hear the news "I'm sorry, all embryos tested abnormal." Each milestone builds up your hope just a tiny bit, until you're actually thinking positive at the 3-day update, thinking 'yeah, this just might be it.' You begin to read deeper into the doctor's voicemails..."maybe because he called me in the evening last time, it's good news this time. He hasn't called yet and its the next morning - it MUST be good news!" nope. it's all bad news.

How to go on like this? Will another pregnancy and a live child actually help pull me out of this funk? Do I need a life change? How about a new life? (that sounds good - can I get a 'do-over'?)

I Love You Right Up To The Moon

I received this book from a co-worker while I was still pregnant with Kara. I never read it to her in the womb. Never got to read it to her while she nursed or when I laid her down to sleep. I never read it, in fact, until yesterday.

I had a complete meltdown yesterday. One of the worst since losing Kara. After shooting up elephant-size doses of G.o.n.a.l-F, M.enopur, Estrogen and Progesterone, then finding out for the 4th time since losing my baby that my embryos are abnormal, and giving up on ever having a living genetic child of my own, I guess a meltown is to be expected. But I still wasn't prepared for it.

I was completely out of control. One of those sobbing, snot-running-down-my-face, crying-till-I'm-gagging, kind of meltdowns. ALL DAY.

I had to face the fact that ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE KARA BACK. Even another genetic child would not be her, and I would still be missing her until I die. I still want a family. I still feel like I can't live without having live children to raise. But I know that I'm still longing for Kara. I always will.

So I went through her memory box yesterday in the middle of my meltdown. I had to look through her photos, see her little footprint cast in plaster, look at her lock of hair, read the sympathy cards and touch her baby blanket. And I found the 'Guess How Much I Love You' book by Sam McBratney.

'Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Bug Nutbrown Hare was listening. "Guess how much I love you," he said. "Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can hop!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.
"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare - and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.
"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you right up to the moon," he said, and closed his eyes.
"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far." Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Good Night, Kara. I love you right up to the moon.

My Eggs Are Officially Expired

Damn. Dr. Sweet called early this morning with the news: all 3 embryos tested abnormal. Fuck. I cried a bit, mourning the loss of my fertility and the loss of any future hope of having a genetic sibling to Kara. When I face my deepest thoughts, I just want Kara back. No baby will bring Kara back. She is forever gone.

Post Retrieval Upate - IVF#7

Just a quick update on my 7th (yes, 7th!) IVF cycle. First off - I love my RE. He is a sweetheart, and utterly adorable. Always excellent bedside manner, always hopeful for me, always remembering that I lost my baby last year. Dr. Sweet retrieved 5 eggs on Monday, 4 were mature, 3 fertilized. Tomorrow, they go for their first big test - PGD. By Friday evening (or more likely Saturday morning) I'll know if any of the embryos are genetically healthy. I don't hold out much hope.

When I began this IVF journey almost 3 years ago, upon our first retrieval it was evident that my eggs were old. None fertilized and the idiot RE at that time didn't perform ICSI. ::Thanks for wasting my money:: Changed clinics, found SHER Institutes for Reproductive Medicine and have been there for the last 6 cycles.

May '07 - 2nd IVF - 5 eggs, all fertilized, PGD: 0 normal.
Sept '07 - 3rd IVF - 5 eggs, 3 fertilized, PGD: 1 normal. This was my baby Kara, who died in the womb at 37weeks 3 days.
Oct '08 - 4th IVF - 5 eggs, 3 fertilized, PGD: 0 normal.
Jan '09 - 5th IVF - 6 eggs, 4 fertilized, PGD: 1 normal. BFN
Apr '09 - 6th IVF - 7 eggs, 5 fertilized, PGD: 0 normal.
July '09 - 7th IVF - 5 eggs, 3 fertilized, PGD: ?

Injectible hormones have bloated me up like a balloon. I have a kangaroo pouch that I can't get rid of because every 2 1/2 months I'm on the drugs again. I am SO done with this. It's exhausting mentally & physically, and my self esteem suffers greatly while I'm cycling. (I have to think it's the Estrogen getting injected into my ass every other day.) Don't get me wrong - if I thought I was going to have a baby this way, I'd continue trying and injecting and riding the hormonal rollercoaster and being overweight. It's all for a great cause. But let's look at the history, people. These eggs are freaking past their due date. It's time for me to move on.

So I've picked out a donor - and I actually have hope that the end of the IVF-road is near for me. Of course, then I still have to actually take a live baby home at the end - I still can't believe I might get to do that. It seems impossibly far away and unrealistic for me. However, I am surviving this cycle better than I have survived 6 previous cycles (except on #3 when I conceived Kara) and its because I've decided to do DE. The decision was not made lightly. Our insurance only covered 2 cycles and we've paid out of pocket for the last 5. Again, if someone told me I had to spend $xx,xxx to conceive my own child - I would spend whatever sum they named. But this is a crap shoot and I'm not getting any younger. I gave it my best shot and I'm moving on. I'm in awe that I found a young, proven donor who looks like me, and who is willing to go through the IVF process to give another woman the gift of life. Its amazing to me - a miracle. Their compensation is not enough to give up their eggs, really. Its an act of love, an unselfish act that is amazing to me. I am in awe of these women.

So we wait for Saturday for the PGD news. But in the meantime, I'll keep shooting up Progesterone while keeping my expectations low. I know to not expect anything anymore. Any positive news is a big fat bonus.

A Christening...

My husband told me last weekend that his cousin C asked him to be Godfather to one of his new twins. C lives in California and we live in NJ, so we don't see them often. Apparently, C & his wife S have had 3 more kids since last time we saw each other a couple of years ago. The happy little Fertile couple. The last time we saw each other was at C's little sister's wedding when I was 10 weeks pregnant with Kara. Almost 2 years ago. His wife S and I were talking about pregnancy and she shared that she suffered several miscarriages after her first child. When I expressed my sympathy she replied "I'm just lucky I get pregnant so easily." Just like that. No biggie. Miscarriages are not devastating to some, I guess.

They didn't come to Kara's funeral. I received a card, but I think that was it. I don't remember an email or a voicemail from them either at the time of Kara's death or since then to check on how we're doing. I should not be surprised, I guess, considering how easily she handled her own miscarriages. Maybe I'm being too harsh?

I'm pissed off. We didn't receive an invitation to the Christening, just a voicemail asking Peter to be the Godfather. My husband lost his infant daughter 1 year ago and you never called or wrote to check in on him. And now you're asking him to hold your baby and be his Godfather? And to drive 2 hours to CT to be there?

I have to go to the Christening tomorrow and see loads of infants/babies. What fun this will be. I will meet my neice for the first time - my neice who was born 4 weeks after Kara died. This I am dreading, but it's time. My sister-in-law "B" is a wonderful person and I miss her very much. We were so excited to be pregnant together, and equally excited that our daughters would be so close in age. Now there's just her. And I have to see her. I have to see how big my daughter would be by now, the milestones she would have reached. Kara was my firstborn, so I know none of these things. I'm sure it's going to sting like hell. But I'm ready for it...I think. I know I have to do it sooner or later, and it's been a year. I feel like it's time.

But I'm pissed that I have to go to this Christening. I have to put myself out for these people who I feel have ignored our pain for the last year. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe they reached out through my DH and I didn't know. But I am bitter and angry that we have to go to this thing tomorrow, and be surrounded by babies. I'm even more angry that they asked DH to be the Godfather. How fucking insensitive can you be?

Am I overreacting?
I bought them christening girfts today and muttered obscenities the entire time.