Things are going a bit more smoothly for us in this household. It's not a breeze yet - just a tiny bit better every week. I consider that progress.
As I mentioned before, DH takes the night shift. He is alone from 10p - 3 or 4a when I get up to relieve him. I am alone until 8:30 when he gets up to take his older kids to camp. This is working out okay, but he has NO time to work on his resume or to interview. And we're running out of money.
I have been interviewing nannies from Care and found someone I love. I interviewed her yesterday and made her an offer before she left my home. She will start full time in September when I return to work, but for now, we will have her 10 hours per week which will allow her to ease into caring for my children, learning each of their likes/dislikes, schedules, etc. and will allow me to monitor her for a month before she starts full time. It will also allow me to catch a cat nap during the day and allow my husband 2 days per week of uninterrupted time to work on his resume, etc. Good all around.
On the flip side, I've been having family drama with my mother. She is a wonderful, caring person, and she helped me out BIG TIME when we first arrived home from the hospital. She came up twice week and slept over, and did all of the laundry and cooked us a few meals. She was an extra set of hands during the day so that one of us could nap and get our bearings - she was execllent. However, it gave her some sense of entitlement. Before you know it, she's in my bedroom changing the sheet on my marriage bed! WTF? Then she's trying to tell me how to push the stroller in the park. Then she's telling me my DH is ignoring her. (which was true). My mom is weird. An angel, but weird. She cooks by tasting food and DH will not eat it afterwards. She talks BABY TALK to my babies. I know some people think this is ok, but to me, it's gross. Examples: Pretty Girl is PITTY GURRL.... Bottle is BA.... Grandma is GAMMY.... Diaper is DIAPEE, Poop is POOPIE, Burp is BURPEE. All this in a sing song voice that is just adding insult to injury when your mother is in your face for 24 hours already and there is no place to escape her. AND - we get like 45 minutes MAYBE between feedings since they're on separate schedules since only one of us is usually up at a time. My mom talks and does dishes and is LOUD. She wakes them and them rushes over to comfort them, but I feel like it's a total disruption to our household. If the baby is quiet - BE QUIET!!!! Ugh. Anyway - I've thanked her for her help and told her we're good and don't need her to stay overnight anymore. Told her she's welcome here anytime, but we've really gotten it under control and we're good. Then I asked her nicely, not to baby talk. Hey, they're my kids. I expect that someone will honor my wishes regarding my own children. If I want them spoken to in Mandarin, that's my perogative. Well, last Thursday we had a blow up about DH's reclusiveness while she's here. Then on Monday she came up and proceeded to treat me and DH like total SHIT and baby talk my kids in loud voices, rubbing it in and smiling at us over the baby's shoulders. Enough. She is crazy and I decided to set some boundaries. Now for the past 3 days she's been profusely apologizing. Weird. Just get on with your life, please. All of a sudden I'm not physically and psychologically dependent on her for 2 nights per week and she's offended at everything. I think that's called co-dependency and I have no tolerance for it.
So, on to nanny cameras. Anyone have any advice for me? I haven't started looking yet - it seems overwhelming to me. I really need some help here if anyone has any suggestions.
I had a photographer in on their 2 week birthday and they turned out amazing. I am so in love with these kids - I get tears in my eyes at least once a day when I'm holding them. I can't believe these angels are mine. As BLOGGER is not cooperating at this time, I will upload photos later this evening.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Twins Update
Things are going better here - mommy & daddy are adjusting to the twins' schedule and we are finding things a little tiny bit easier day by day.
They are not on the exact same feeding schedule yet - but that's because we can't figure out how to feed/burp/change BOTH babies while on the same schedule, when it's only ONE of us on the clock. WHen daddy's sleeping, mommy can only do one at a time. Same goes for when Mommy is sleeping - daddy is not comfortable burping one while the other one is still feeding. So we will work on that.
We LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our Fisher Price cradle swings. After feeding, changing, burping and a bit of playing, they go into their cradle swings and promptly fall asleep. This gives mommy a little time to pump, clean bottles, do laundry, straighten up, eat, etc. all before starting all over again in about 2.5 hrs. It's a whilrwind here and it's exhausting.
I've asked for help. My mom comes up twice a week and stays over. DH doesn't like it - thinks we can do it ourselves, but my mom is awesome. She does all the laundry, dishes, cooks, cleans up, and helps with feedings. Seriously, she is taking care of the house while we are taking care of the babies. DH needs to start looking for a job and he can't do that if he's staying up all night. Searcing for a job IS a full time job, and he needs to get started. Having my mom here to help will be a huge help to both of us, but he gets SO ANNOYED with her. She can be annoying, I'll be the first to admit. But we need all the help we can get and he needs to frickin' get over it. ALSO - his children come on Saturday for a MONTH LONG VISIT!!! They are in cam for 2 weeks of their 4 weeks her, but seriously, I don't want to be taking care of his kids (12yrs & 14yrs) while I'm trying to stay alive here taking care of my new babies. I'm dreading the month of August.
I'm exclusively pumping - breastfeeding is not working out for me. They latch, then get frustrated because they're used to the fast-flowing bottle, and I give in to get them a bottle. I'm also only producing enough milk of about 1/3 of ONE baby's daily requirements, which totally sucks. I'm really angry at myself for not trying harder while in the hospital. I should have braved that awful hospital pump and just fucking got it done. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I gave up too quickly. I was also SO IRRITATED that people were constantly in my room that I just gave up trying to retain any sort of privacy. I just said fuck it....I had a parade of people coming and going and I should have been able to control it better. Now I'm angry with myself for not trying harder and for having to pump every 3 hours. I've pretty much resigned myslef to pumping for the next 8-10 weeks so at least they'll have SOME breastmilk for their first 3 months. I can't see how I can pump when I go back to work anyway. There is never a good time when you a salesperson and on the road all day long. Like I'm supposed to pump in my car....I just don't see it happening. Now if I can just let go of the guilt and be ok with the reality...
Babies are both doing great otherwise. She had her first bath yesterday and wasn't too sure if she liked it or not. She definitely like being wrapped in the towel afterwards... Still waiting for his cord to fall off so we can get him into the bath also.
I want to thank MEINSIDEOUT for sending over a bunch on twin mommies to my rescue! All of your advice was excellent and I've been discussing your ideas/suggestions with DH. The bouncy seats are finally assembled and we'll try the pumping-while-feeding routine sometime soon. Thank you for all of your support - it really made me smile to know so many people have offered their support.
Loving being a mom to live babies - love being able to physically express my incredible love for them through snuggles, hugs, kisses and most of all, being able to tell them how much I love them. I struggled with this when Kara died - felt like I had so many ways to shower her with my love and it all got pent up inside when she died. It is unimaginable, the pain of losing a baby/child. Of not being able to express your feelings to them, of all the things you and they miss out on. I feel so fulfilled by being able to snuggle them and give them my love. It's a wonderful feeling.
They are not on the exact same feeding schedule yet - but that's because we can't figure out how to feed/burp/change BOTH babies while on the same schedule, when it's only ONE of us on the clock. WHen daddy's sleeping, mommy can only do one at a time. Same goes for when Mommy is sleeping - daddy is not comfortable burping one while the other one is still feeding. So we will work on that.
We LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our Fisher Price cradle swings. After feeding, changing, burping and a bit of playing, they go into their cradle swings and promptly fall asleep. This gives mommy a little time to pump, clean bottles, do laundry, straighten up, eat, etc. all before starting all over again in about 2.5 hrs. It's a whilrwind here and it's exhausting.
I've asked for help. My mom comes up twice a week and stays over. DH doesn't like it - thinks we can do it ourselves, but my mom is awesome. She does all the laundry, dishes, cooks, cleans up, and helps with feedings. Seriously, she is taking care of the house while we are taking care of the babies. DH needs to start looking for a job and he can't do that if he's staying up all night. Searcing for a job IS a full time job, and he needs to get started. Having my mom here to help will be a huge help to both of us, but he gets SO ANNOYED with her. She can be annoying, I'll be the first to admit. But we need all the help we can get and he needs to frickin' get over it. ALSO - his children come on Saturday for a MONTH LONG VISIT!!! They are in cam for 2 weeks of their 4 weeks her, but seriously, I don't want to be taking care of his kids (12yrs & 14yrs) while I'm trying to stay alive here taking care of my new babies. I'm dreading the month of August.
I'm exclusively pumping - breastfeeding is not working out for me. They latch, then get frustrated because they're used to the fast-flowing bottle, and I give in to get them a bottle. I'm also only producing enough milk of about 1/3 of ONE baby's daily requirements, which totally sucks. I'm really angry at myself for not trying harder while in the hospital. I should have braved that awful hospital pump and just fucking got it done. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I gave up too quickly. I was also SO IRRITATED that people were constantly in my room that I just gave up trying to retain any sort of privacy. I just said fuck it....I had a parade of people coming and going and I should have been able to control it better. Now I'm angry with myself for not trying harder and for having to pump every 3 hours. I've pretty much resigned myslef to pumping for the next 8-10 weeks so at least they'll have SOME breastmilk for their first 3 months. I can't see how I can pump when I go back to work anyway. There is never a good time when you a salesperson and on the road all day long. Like I'm supposed to pump in my car....I just don't see it happening. Now if I can just let go of the guilt and be ok with the reality...
Babies are both doing great otherwise. She had her first bath yesterday and wasn't too sure if she liked it or not. She definitely like being wrapped in the towel afterwards... Still waiting for his cord to fall off so we can get him into the bath also.
I want to thank MEINSIDEOUT for sending over a bunch on twin mommies to my rescue! All of your advice was excellent and I've been discussing your ideas/suggestions with DH. The bouncy seats are finally assembled and we'll try the pumping-while-feeding routine sometime soon. Thank you for all of your support - it really made me smile to know so many people have offered their support.
Loving being a mom to live babies - love being able to physically express my incredible love for them through snuggles, hugs, kisses and most of all, being able to tell them how much I love them. I struggled with this when Kara died - felt like I had so many ways to shower her with my love and it all got pent up inside when she died. It is unimaginable, the pain of losing a baby/child. Of not being able to express your feelings to them, of all the things you and they miss out on. I feel so fulfilled by being able to snuggle them and give them my love. It's a wonderful feeling.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
So awesome, but so very hard
Wow - everyone tried to tell me how hard this was going to be, but I really had no idea. I thought that because I lost Kara, that no amount of sleep deprivation or fussy babies would faze me. I was wrong. I am incredibly thankful and so very blessed to have these two - I would not trade them for anything! I look at them and just melt - I cry when I hold them sometimes, just thinking about how much I love them and how much I miss Kara at the same time. But wow - the sleep deprivation after the last few months of pregnancy and after having a c-section? amazing.
I feel like a bad mother. Breastfeeding issues are for another post, but today, let's talk sleep deprivation. I've been crying several times per day because I'm just so exhausted and sore and weak from surgery, that I feel like a failure as a mother. My husband has been wonderful. As I mentioned in earlier posts, he graduated business school in May and he hasn't gone back to work yet because he was taking care of me in the final weeks of pregnancy and preparing for the arrival of the twins. He knew what it would entail and he wanted to be here for me to help out until I'm strong enough to handle it on my own. I could not ask for a better husband or a better father to my children. He takes the night shift and I get 6-7 hours of sleep per night. I'm up at 5am and I take over until about 12 or 1pm when he takes over again. I usually try to nap, but more often I end up doing laundry, eating (for the first time all day) and showering. Some days I get a nap, but most times I am just too worn out to sleep. So he naps for a few hours in the afternoon and in the evening, I try to be in bed by 10 or 11 so I can start the early shift again. I know I am so lucky that he takes the night shift, but seriously - how do you ladies do it whose husbands don't help out? I am in awe of you. I feel like such a failure. Even with all of this help, I am a mess and I generally cry several times per day. I lose my patience with the fussiness of my babies and I find myself at my wits end when they don't settle down after 2 hours. I can handle it when one wakes first; feeding, changing, soothing, rocking, etc. When the second one wakes up and the first one is still fussing, that's when it gets overwhelming. It happened this morning at 6am, then again this morning at 11am. I was going out of my mind. It's nearly impossible for one person to feed and burp two babies at once - and I can't let them cry - I just can't. Anyway, I need to figure something else out...I think I let them get too stimulated after they feed. They are usually swaddled up tight for sleeping, and I let them stretch a little after feeding, and that's the beginning of the end. Their hands come up and touch their faces and it all begins. They get annoyed at the hands touching them and yet don't want their hands restrained in swaddling. And I feel bad swaddling them because they need to stretch and there the mutiny begins.
And try to pump every 3 hours during all of this...I'm not even breastfeeding yet - this is frickin impossible. I'm pumping 7x's per day to get my milk to come in more fully, and I can barely find time to eat, shower and pump in between feedings.
I've asked my mom to come up a few nights per week to help out. I fear that DH will not be able to run on 5 hours of sleep per day much longer. He used to travel overseas so much for work that he's used to literally working around the clock for several weeks at a time. Literally, the man is a champion at surviving on no sleep. But I feel guilty that I'm getting some sleep at night and he's pushing through trying to give me as much rest as possible. Makes me feel like shit. Like a bad wife and a bad mother.
This is really hard. Really hard. Thank God I don't go back to work for 9 more weeks. HOpefully in that time, we'll have things somewhat under control.
Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.
And I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful. I am SO grateful for my babies. This is what I wanted, truly it is. I just didn't realize how awful I would be under the pressure of sleep deprivation. In fact, my mom stayed over the other night and I got 7 wonderful hours of sleep - I felt like a new person. Then I realized- I hadn't slept 7 hours in a row since I was 20 weeks pregnant.
I feel like a bad mother. Breastfeeding issues are for another post, but today, let's talk sleep deprivation. I've been crying several times per day because I'm just so exhausted and sore and weak from surgery, that I feel like a failure as a mother. My husband has been wonderful. As I mentioned in earlier posts, he graduated business school in May and he hasn't gone back to work yet because he was taking care of me in the final weeks of pregnancy and preparing for the arrival of the twins. He knew what it would entail and he wanted to be here for me to help out until I'm strong enough to handle it on my own. I could not ask for a better husband or a better father to my children. He takes the night shift and I get 6-7 hours of sleep per night. I'm up at 5am and I take over until about 12 or 1pm when he takes over again. I usually try to nap, but more often I end up doing laundry, eating (for the first time all day) and showering. Some days I get a nap, but most times I am just too worn out to sleep. So he naps for a few hours in the afternoon and in the evening, I try to be in bed by 10 or 11 so I can start the early shift again. I know I am so lucky that he takes the night shift, but seriously - how do you ladies do it whose husbands don't help out? I am in awe of you. I feel like such a failure. Even with all of this help, I am a mess and I generally cry several times per day. I lose my patience with the fussiness of my babies and I find myself at my wits end when they don't settle down after 2 hours. I can handle it when one wakes first; feeding, changing, soothing, rocking, etc. When the second one wakes up and the first one is still fussing, that's when it gets overwhelming. It happened this morning at 6am, then again this morning at 11am. I was going out of my mind. It's nearly impossible for one person to feed and burp two babies at once - and I can't let them cry - I just can't. Anyway, I need to figure something else out...I think I let them get too stimulated after they feed. They are usually swaddled up tight for sleeping, and I let them stretch a little after feeding, and that's the beginning of the end. Their hands come up and touch their faces and it all begins. They get annoyed at the hands touching them and yet don't want their hands restrained in swaddling. And I feel bad swaddling them because they need to stretch and there the mutiny begins.
And try to pump every 3 hours during all of this...I'm not even breastfeeding yet - this is frickin impossible. I'm pumping 7x's per day to get my milk to come in more fully, and I can barely find time to eat, shower and pump in between feedings.
I've asked my mom to come up a few nights per week to help out. I fear that DH will not be able to run on 5 hours of sleep per day much longer. He used to travel overseas so much for work that he's used to literally working around the clock for several weeks at a time. Literally, the man is a champion at surviving on no sleep. But I feel guilty that I'm getting some sleep at night and he's pushing through trying to give me as much rest as possible. Makes me feel like shit. Like a bad wife and a bad mother.
This is really hard. Really hard. Thank God I don't go back to work for 9 more weeks. HOpefully in that time, we'll have things somewhat under control.
Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.
And I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful. I am SO grateful for my babies. This is what I wanted, truly it is. I just didn't realize how awful I would be under the pressure of sleep deprivation. In fact, my mom stayed over the other night and I got 7 wonderful hours of sleep - I felt like a new person. Then I realized- I hadn't slept 7 hours in a row since I was 20 weeks pregnant.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Introducing.......
M & Q are here! Wow - I can't believe they're here. I am SO in love! M (brunette) weighed 7lb6oz at birth, and Q (blonde) weighed 7lb3oz at birth. They have lost a little weight since then, but overall, everyone is doing well.
Breastfeeding is a disaster - my milk has only just started coming in, so I won't really get to breastfeed until we get them home, hopefully tomorrow. Can I just say, I HATE the pump? Oh my God. How painful. Since I have no milk yet, we've been formula feeding because of their weight loss. And now, they have jaundice, so they've been in light therapy since early this morning. It's killing me not being able to hang out with them all day...but hopefully their bilirubin levels will be normal by tomorrow morning (hopefully sooner!) and we can all go home together tomorrow.
I will update my blog in a few days, but for now, here are some pics of my beautiful babies.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
35w6d update
So I'm finally at the end here - just 2 days to go until I meet my babies. I'm excited and nervous, and still worried that something could go horribly wrong between now and then. Thankfully, the babies have been very active these past few days and it's very reassuring.
My last NST was yesterday and everyone looked good. Tomorrow I go in for my pre-registration and bloodwork...then I'm scheduled for 11:30am Monday. phew.
I'm nervous about this c-section. I had one with Kara, but I was put to sleep because I was so distraught about having to deliver my baby who was dead. It is unbelievable, the stress and emotional upheaval I felt going into the OR that day. I can't help but associate the c-section with that day. I have to separate that experience from this one and try to be calm. I will be awake for this one and waiting for their cries.
I'm nervous about laying flat for the prepping - when I lay flat I get woozy and lightheaded very quickly, and start to sweat within 3 minutes. It's very unpleasant. I remember the last time, they laid me down and I felt like that, then I felt like I would vomit, and they put me out. This time, I have to warn the anesthesiologist that I will vomit and ask for meds. I will also ask for anti-anxiety meds to cool me out - because I'm kind of freaked about the whole thing. I'm not too worried about recovery because I did okay last time (physically, at least.) I know it will be painful when I come home because of the flat bed - so I plan to sleep in a recliner for the first few nights. I remember laying flat in my bed the first day home and it was excruciating. My Dh moved me to the basement wher the pull out sofa was and we could jack up the head so I wasn't laying flat. But I can't do that this time. The basement, for me, is associated with being emotionally fragile and distraught - waking up crying, sobbing, wanting to die because my baby was dead. I cannot 'go there' again. I will have to figure out sleeping in the recliner or possibly just pile on the pillows in my bed. I will worry about that when/if I come home with live babies.
So, I'm pretty much ready. And thank you to BWUB for answering pretty much all of my pre-op questions. I'm still nervous - but hey, wh owouldn't be at the prospect of being cut open and having 2 babies pulled out of you while awake - right?
I'll try to post photos as soon as I can next week. I'll be bringing my laptop - just not sure how much I'll feel like doing anything except holding and loving my babies though....
My last NST was yesterday and everyone looked good. Tomorrow I go in for my pre-registration and bloodwork...then I'm scheduled for 11:30am Monday. phew.
I'm nervous about this c-section. I had one with Kara, but I was put to sleep because I was so distraught about having to deliver my baby who was dead. It is unbelievable, the stress and emotional upheaval I felt going into the OR that day. I can't help but associate the c-section with that day. I have to separate that experience from this one and try to be calm. I will be awake for this one and waiting for their cries.
I'm nervous about laying flat for the prepping - when I lay flat I get woozy and lightheaded very quickly, and start to sweat within 3 minutes. It's very unpleasant. I remember the last time, they laid me down and I felt like that, then I felt like I would vomit, and they put me out. This time, I have to warn the anesthesiologist that I will vomit and ask for meds. I will also ask for anti-anxiety meds to cool me out - because I'm kind of freaked about the whole thing. I'm not too worried about recovery because I did okay last time (physically, at least.) I know it will be painful when I come home because of the flat bed - so I plan to sleep in a recliner for the first few nights. I remember laying flat in my bed the first day home and it was excruciating. My Dh moved me to the basement wher the pull out sofa was and we could jack up the head so I wasn't laying flat. But I can't do that this time. The basement, for me, is associated with being emotionally fragile and distraught - waking up crying, sobbing, wanting to die because my baby was dead. I cannot 'go there' again. I will have to figure out sleeping in the recliner or possibly just pile on the pillows in my bed. I will worry about that when/if I come home with live babies.
So, I'm pretty much ready. And thank you to BWUB for answering pretty much all of my pre-op questions. I'm still nervous - but hey, wh owouldn't be at the prospect of being cut open and having 2 babies pulled out of you while awake - right?
I'll try to post photos as soon as I can next week. I'll be bringing my laptop - just not sure how much I'll feel like doing anything except holding and loving my babies though....
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
35w2d update
We had our last OB appointment today - YAY! I walked into the waiting room and saw a newborn sitting in his carseat and my heart jumped - it's the first real excitement I've felt this entire pregnancy. I mean, I know they're in there, but seeing a real baby? well, that just made my heart go thump! I can't believe I will have two of them next week!
So, onto the ultrasound. The U/S tech is not a friendly one - she doesn't put the back up high enough for me and I always come close to passing out while laying down - then asked why were were going at 36 weeks when they NEVER take babies at 36 weeks. I had to respond that 'If you read my chart, you'd know that I had a stillbirth at 37.5 weeks, yadda yadda, etc.' Can I just say that I HATE how they don't ready your freakin' chart? I mean, come on. I've had ultrasounds with her at least half the time I've been scanned and there's plenty of time to read the damn chart. Anyway - babies are measuring 6lb14oz and 7lbs! No wonder I can't move!!! So - we're projecting around 7.5lbs upon birth - we shall see.
I'm starting to get excited. I'm still nervous as hell that they will die before next Monday - but each time I get those reassuring kicks, I feel better about their chances to get here safely.
So, onto the ultrasound. The U/S tech is not a friendly one - she doesn't put the back up high enough for me and I always come close to passing out while laying down - then asked why were were going at 36 weeks when they NEVER take babies at 36 weeks. I had to respond that 'If you read my chart, you'd know that I had a stillbirth at 37.5 weeks, yadda yadda, etc.' Can I just say that I HATE how they don't ready your freakin' chart? I mean, come on. I've had ultrasounds with her at least half the time I've been scanned and there's plenty of time to read the damn chart. Anyway - babies are measuring 6lb14oz and 7lbs! No wonder I can't move!!! So - we're projecting around 7.5lbs upon birth - we shall see.
I'm starting to get excited. I'm still nervous as hell that they will die before next Monday - but each time I get those reassuring kicks, I feel better about their chances to get here safely.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Glow in the Woods
Questions from this week's Glow in The Woods post:
What are your regrets about events and decisions you made in the aftermath of your baby's death? Are there are people in your life who wish to have been more involved? Less? How do you feel about it all?
There are several things I regret when I think about Kara's death. I regret that I wanted to be asleep during the c-section, but at the time, I could not contemplate having the surgery and not hearing her cries. Now, I regret that I wasn't stronger for her, that I didn't have the courage to face her entry into the world. But I am thankful that my husband was there and held her body until I was awake and could properly hold my daughter. I regret the outfit I chose for her burial. I let my husband make the choice and I felt it was a bit small for her, but would never know as I also let the funeral director dress her. I felt it was the right decision at the time, but now i wish I had the courage to see her one last time to dress her. I regret that I didn't call my best friend to come to the hopsital to see Kara. My BF regrets that also. Sharing my beautiful daughter with my BF who is like a sister to me, would have been the right thing to do, but it didn't even cross my mind. Only family was invited to the hosptial to see/hold her. I don't regret the funeral service, I feel it was a beautiful tribute to her and did her short life much justice. I regret that I didn't sing to her in my womb or tell her how much I loved her until she died. I regret that I couldn't fathom how much I would love her until I saw her beautiful face when they placed her body in my arms.
What are your regrets about events and decisions you made in the aftermath of your baby's death? Are there are people in your life who wish to have been more involved? Less? How do you feel about it all?
There are several things I regret when I think about Kara's death. I regret that I wanted to be asleep during the c-section, but at the time, I could not contemplate having the surgery and not hearing her cries. Now, I regret that I wasn't stronger for her, that I didn't have the courage to face her entry into the world. But I am thankful that my husband was there and held her body until I was awake and could properly hold my daughter. I regret the outfit I chose for her burial. I let my husband make the choice and I felt it was a bit small for her, but would never know as I also let the funeral director dress her. I felt it was the right decision at the time, but now i wish I had the courage to see her one last time to dress her. I regret that I didn't call my best friend to come to the hopsital to see Kara. My BF regrets that also. Sharing my beautiful daughter with my BF who is like a sister to me, would have been the right thing to do, but it didn't even cross my mind. Only family was invited to the hosptial to see/hold her. I don't regret the funeral service, I feel it was a beautiful tribute to her and did her short life much justice. I regret that I didn't sing to her in my womb or tell her how much I loved her until she died. I regret that I couldn't fathom how much I would love her until I saw her beautiful face when they placed her body in my arms.
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